C.N. - chapter 8

'You were at that point where you were going to interrogate me, and then you had a fit.' I answered his question. I didn't know if it was gut instinct or the five minutes in the suite with him prior, but I did not feel threatened by this blabbering young man at all. He has long blond hair, like the standard Prince Charming. His facial features are crisp and spotless, all in perfect proportion and speaks youth in volumes. Any girl in the country would faint at the sight of this guy, including my sister, and my mum too probably.
'Ah yes, now I see! Alright, slimy swindler, answer me with truth! What did you do to my dear Theodora? Where is she!?' The young man ejaculated (this word was applied to a manner of delivering speech in Anne of Green Gables, I am using it here to prove that it is not strictly a verb associated with getting off) with vigor.
'Who? I don't know any Theodora, let me explain, I-' He lunged at he and his hands stopped short at my neck, I suppose he was trying to grab at a collar which doesn't exist, finding no collar, he backed off, chest heaving.
'So you will not answer me?' And then under his breath I heard, 'Geez! This is more difficult than I thought!' He caught me looking at him. 'Stop staring! Look away, I demand you to look away, lowly trickster!'
I stopped staring, though for a bit, and asked, 'So what wind blew you here, my friend?' I asked this question, the rural approach, it's friendlier than 'why are you here?'
'I am not your friend, enemy! I come to deliver a declaration of love to the young lady Miss Theodora North, instead I find you! You vile impersonator! You are not Miss Theodora North! By your shabby looks, scrawny posture, and dull naked appearance I'd say you're from the country outright!'
'That's correct as a matter of fact, I'm Charlie, Charlie North from Danforth County, nice to meet you.' I extended a hand for him to shake, seeing that he's gotten friendlier. He didn't take it.
'Well, my name is Heathcliff Carolus von Curtin the third, heir to the Curtin clan and eldest of three children of my father Heathcliff Carolus von Curtin the second. Did you say you are a North? You lie!' Heathcliff inspected me another time, and apparently drew no conclusions.
'I am a North, honest (truth, a farmer likes to deal straight), and until a few hours ago I thought I was in the only North family in the entire country.' I said, thinking back on that receptionist's remark. 'How many Norths can there be?'
'A North! And you are not related to Theodora North or the North family in any way?' He questioned further.
'No, I don't know then at all, never heard of them. My family's been North for centuries and we've been residing as farmers in Danforth County for that long. I'm not even supposed to be here, I think, now that you show up like that.' In my mind, I detected a few clicks.
'A North not affiliated with the exalted North Family, this is most peculiar!' Heathcliff stroked his chin.
'Well you got that right! The receptionist downstairs directed me straight to this suite when I arrived, the guy greeted me as some Theo North, and the porter told me I'm a billionaire! I didn't book this suite, I booked a single bedroom that costs five thousand a night, I'm here because my sister won the lottery, not because I'm a billionaire, and you know what? I think I should be leaving.' I headed for the door to get my boxers.
'Not so fast, petty crook! You say you did not book this suite, so there must have been a mix-up, so why were you in the bathtub reading superman comics when I stumbled upon the horrendous sight that is you!?' Heathcliff had a hand on my shoulder.
'I though I might as well enjoy the mix-up while I can, that's why!' I decided to go straight, as all country folks do, with Heathcliff, 'There's a card there on the dining room table that says whoever this suite was for wouldn't get disturbed by anyone, so I took the opportunity and stayed. Clearly the guy who wrote the card forgot about you and now that you're here I might as well leave. I mean, how many Norths are there in the world?' I shrugged.
'Not so fast, sneaky swindler! You just impersonated a person - a billionaire heiress - and you just admitted you were aware of what you were doing! You've confessed to crime! I hereby charge you under the jurisdiction of the law for deliberate impersonation of other persons for benefit to oneself! I arrest you on said charge!' Heathcliff declared.
'What? Are you for real? Are you a policeman? Where's your badge, I want to see it to believe it!' I was shocked, unless a civilian can arrest another person, he was impersonating an officer of the law as we speak!
'No! Of course not! I'm Heathcliff Carolus von Curtin the third! I'm a billionaire heir, not a policeman!'
'And do you have a license on that revolver?' I pointed out.
'What? This one?' He pulled out the small revolver from the pocket of his white suit.
'Yeah, I heard from somewhere that all guns have to have a license.'
'Well, um, I-I...' He looked sweaty all of a sudden.
'Do people go to prison for carrying unlicensed firearms?' I tried to remember what Uncle Sam told me.
'Okay, okay! I don't have a license for this!' Heathcliff tossed it away, it struck a glass display cabinet and shattered a door. Oops. 'I came across the revolver in the home, it's antique, and I brought it here to impress Miss Theodora and perhaps show her my marksman skills.' He became red in the face, very red. I though Prince Charming don't blush.
'If I see it right I think we're even. You've accused me and I've made you accuse yourself.' I concluded, this brought a good smile to my face.
'Yes, I suppose so.' Heathcliff sighed. 'And I'm also intoxicated.'
'You are?'
'Yes, I had a shot of odorless vodka before I arrived, to boost my confidence. You see, wooing a young lady is hard task and Miss Theodora's grandfather placed great trust in that I would display myself to be a suitor of her liking. I can not fail her grandfather nor her, for I am Heathcliff Carolus von Curtin the third!' This self-consolation seemed to enrich his spirit quite well. 'And God forbid! I drove my way here! I committed drinking and driving!'
I could do nothing but let out a whistle. Heathcliff was breaking down in confession right in front of me.
'Listen, let's sort this out slowly,' I started, 'do you want to shower?'
'No, thank you, right now, all my heart's desire is in Miss Theodora, I must see her.'
'Good point, where is she?'
'I do not know, where is she indeed?'
'I don't know, if this suite is for her, and she's not here, and the receptionist mixed her name up with mine, then is she not coming?' I scratched my head.
'Impossible, she has to be here, and she had to have come! Her grandfather detailed everything to me personally prior to my voyage here, he ascertained her residence is currently right here!' Heathcliff was a little worried now.
We were both silent, until we heard the fax machine in the other room sputtering again.