C.N. - chapter 85

Have you ever wondered how well a banjo and a dubstep synthesizer go together? Well, Graham had connected his iPod playlist to the intercom system on Mr. Dragon’s submarine, and the music coming out of the speakers had exactly that: a banjo and a dubstep synthesizer.

‘Aww, this is disgusting!’ A henchman shouted, covering his ears. I noticed for the first time that all the henchmen wore nametags on their uniform. This particular henchman’s tag said ‘Gus’.

‘Make it stop!’ Yelled another henchman whose nametag displayed ‘Pete’.

Similar complaints issued from the mouths of Mr. Dragon’s other henchmen in the hall. There were clangs on the floor as henchmen who had been holding kitchen gadgets dropped what they were holding in shock and bewilderment. Everyone had stood up.

Laura’s henchmen, on the other hand, were enjoying what was coming out of the speakers so much they hopped onto the counters and began tap dancing (I think it was tap dancing).

Then the lyrics came on. The singer sounds to be rapping…with an exaggerated Midwestern accent. I couldn’t exactly comprehend much of the lyrics, though I caught a few lines about haystacks, shotguns, and the verse ‘Imma milk the cash like I milk my cow’, whatever that meant.

‘This is just wrong,’ the henchman with nametag ‘Bob’ said, ‘it’s like eating live shrimp with cheese dip!’

‘With blue cheese dip,’ added a henchman bearing the nametag ‘Ed’, sticking out his tongue in disgust.

‘Yeah, you would know.’ Countered Eric, who was rapping along with the song.

Theo turned to Laura with a puzzled look on her face, ‘what is this music?’

It seemed Laura had had the question put to her before. ‘Well, my henchmen-‘ Laura began. Michael interrupted her.

‘Ahem, colleagues, you mean.’ He said.

‘Right,’ Laura continued, ‘my colleagues all possess a rather alternative taste in music. What you’re hearing is a relatively unknown fusion genre combining gangsta rap and country music.’

‘It’s called craptry.’ John added.

‘Not exactly my cup of tea, but I don’t mettle in the kind of music my colleagues listen to.’ Laura said.

‘WHAT?’ Half of Mr. Dragon’s henchmen in the room gasped incredulously.

‘Makes sense, it sounds like crap.’ Henchman Gus said.

‘Who said that?!’ Graham spun around angrily, ‘which one of you cretins said that?! Who dares to insult my tastes in art?! Speak up, I’ll fight you!’

Several henchmen including Gus, Pete, Bob and Ed stepped forward, as if accepting Graham’s challenge.

At this point I noticed that Mr. Virus (who had been knocked out by a saucepan to the back of the head a few minutes ago and was lying unconscious on the floor up to now) had regained unconsciousness and was rising up from the floor. He was holding a fruit knife by the blade tip, his arm arched back like a circus knife thrower about to perform a stunt. The arm was aimed at Graham, who was nearest to where he lay.

‘Mr. Virus is awake!’ I shouted to Graham.

Mr. Virus threw the knife and Graham ducked sideways off the table. The remote in his hand flew in the other direction. Wolfgang quickly threw another saucepan at Mr. Virus, which hit him squarely in the forehead, knocking him out cold a second time.

Henchman Bob dived for the remote, as did John. They collided midair and knocked it on a different path through the air. Henchman Ed leaped up to catch the remote, but a rolling pin thrown by Eric smacked into his groin mid-leap and he fell back down, doubled over in pain. Michael ran forward to intercept the remote from landing in Henchman Pete’s outstretched hand, but Henchman Gus fly-tackled him sideways and they both crashed onto the floor. Terry tripped Henchman Pete, was tripped by another henchman called ‘Marv’ (according to his nametag), and Henchman Marv was tripped by the other Terry, who in turn stepped on a bar of soap and fell flat on his bottom. The remote landed in Laura’s hand.

‘Turn that infernal music off, we beg you!’ Mr. Dragon’s henchmen cried.

‘Alright boys, I think we’ve had enough digressions for now.’ She promptly and calmly switched the music off.

‘Aww fiddlesticks!’ Laura’s henchmen sighed in unison.

‘Take that, you tasteless bumholes!’ Mr. Dragon’s henchmen shouted in triumph.

‘Who you calling bumholes?’ Graham yelled back, ‘I’ll fight all of you!’

Laura’s henchmen and Mr. Dragon’s henchmen all got to their feet and began throwing insults at each other, as well as criticizing each other’s musical tastes (from what I gather, Mr. Dragon’s henchmen were either fans of country or gangsta rap, but not a combination of both).

Laura touched my shoulder, ‘while our former ally Mr. Kent is still unconscious, I should go tie him up, seeing that these musically passionate colleagues of mine will be occupied for quite a while on their present undertaking. Look after your friends and my son for me, won’t you, Charlie?’

I nodded, and she went to tie Mr. Virus up.

Dennis suddenly brightened up. He nudged Theo, and said, ‘You know, with all this excitement I almost forgot one thing.’

‘What’s that?’ Theo asked.

‘It’s your birthday. Happy birthday, my dear sister.’

‘Why yes it is!’ Heathcliff exclaimed, ‘Happy birthday my dear Theodora, here, um…I have to get you a birthday present!’ He took off searching for one.

Theo looked confused, then surprised, then even more surprised. She opened her mouth, but words did not come out of it for some time. Finally she said, ‘well that doesn’t surprise me, I’ve forgotten about my own birthday.’

‘That’s why I’m here to remind you.’ Dennis said with a smile.

‘You’re here for more than that, to me, Dennis.’ Theo smiled back.

‘What about me?’ Wolfgang cut in, ‘what am I here for to you?’

Theo didn’t say anything, but just turned to him and gave him an enigmatic smile.

‘Step aside, I know what I’m here for,’ Heathcliff declared, having found a present. Striding up to Theo, he presented her with a massive ribbon flower, the kind used on a cake box. ‘I couldn’t find any real flowers in this place, my darling.’

Theo raised her eyebrow at Heathcliff. ‘Have you ever missed an opportunity to attempt to propose to me?’

Before Heathcliff could give his answer, the intercom blared to life. However, the remote was still with Laura, so the system must have been overridden by another controller.

‘By god, what was that infernal music on the speakers just now?’ I recognized Mr. Dragon’s voice on the speakers. ‘Somebody better answer me this instant!’ For a moment everyone froze.

The argument between the two groups of henchmen stopped. Henchman Bob took out a walkie-talkie and said into it, ‘It was your ex-wife’s men, they hacked into the speaker system and put that awful stuff on air.’

‘Well where are the prisoners? Where are they now?’ Mr. Dragon barked.

‘Um, everyone’s here sir, in the mess hall.’

‘Everyone?’

“Yes sir.’

There was a loud crash through the speakers, followed by shouts and cursing. Then a different voice appeared.

‘Theo, are you alright?’

Theo snatched the walkie-talkie from Henchman Bob and talked urgently into it, ‘Grandfather! I’m alright. Are you alright?’

‘I’m alright, just fighting it out with my arch nemesis here. Bring reinforcements to the control room-’

There was another crash, and the speakers died.

Theo turned to Henchman Bob, and said, ‘show me to the control room.’

‘Hold your horses little lady,’ said a voice I had never heard before, ‘nobody’s going anywhere.’

Everyone turned to look at the source of that voice. At the other end of the mess hall, a door had opened and a man in a pitch-black suit who looks exactly like Harvey Keitel entered, followed by a line of men in black military uniform, carrying automatics. The men aimed their guns at us.

Seeing that everyone else was wide-eyed and seemed to know the identity of this person, and further seeing that they all seemed too stupefied to reveal that information to me, I decided to find out for myself, once again.

‘Are you Harvey Keitel?’ I asked the man.

‘No,’ the man replied, seemingly amused, ‘I’m the Wolf.’

And then he did the strangest, most incomprehensible thing. He raised a pistol and shot me right in the shoulder blade.