C.N. - chapter 85

Have you ever wondered how well a banjo and a dubstep synthesizer go together? Well, Graham had connected his iPod playlist to the intercom system on Mr. Dragon’s submarine, and the music coming out of the speakers had exactly that: a banjo and a dubstep synthesizer.

‘Aww, this is disgusting!’ A henchman shouted, covering his ears. I noticed for the first time that all the henchmen wore nametags on their uniform. This particular henchman’s tag said ‘Gus’.

‘Make it stop!’ Yelled another henchman whose nametag displayed ‘Pete’.

Similar complaints issued from the mouths of Mr. Dragon’s other henchmen in the hall. There were clangs on the floor as henchmen who had been holding kitchen gadgets dropped what they were holding in shock and bewilderment. Everyone had stood up.

Laura’s henchmen, on the other hand, were enjoying what was coming out of the speakers so much they hopped onto the counters and began tap dancing (I think it was tap dancing).

Then the lyrics came on. The singer sounds to be rapping…with an exaggerated Midwestern accent. I couldn’t exactly comprehend much of the lyrics, though I caught a few lines about haystacks, shotguns, and the verse ‘Imma milk the cash like I milk my cow’, whatever that meant.

‘This is just wrong,’ the henchman with nametag ‘Bob’ said, ‘it’s like eating live shrimp with cheese dip!’

‘With blue cheese dip,’ added a henchman bearing the nametag ‘Ed’, sticking out his tongue in disgust.

‘Yeah, you would know.’ Countered Eric, who was rapping along with the song.

Theo turned to Laura with a puzzled look on her face, ‘what is this music?’

It seemed Laura had had the question put to her before. ‘Well, my henchmen-‘ Laura began. Michael interrupted her.

‘Ahem, colleagues, you mean.’ He said.

‘Right,’ Laura continued, ‘my colleagues all possess a rather alternative taste in music. What you’re hearing is a relatively unknown fusion genre combining gangsta rap and country music.’

‘It’s called craptry.’ John added.

‘Not exactly my cup of tea, but I don’t mettle in the kind of music my colleagues listen to.’ Laura said.

‘WHAT?’ Half of Mr. Dragon’s henchmen in the room gasped incredulously.

‘Makes sense, it sounds like crap.’ Henchman Gus said.

‘Who said that?!’ Graham spun around angrily, ‘which one of you cretins said that?! Who dares to insult my tastes in art?! Speak up, I’ll fight you!’

Several henchmen including Gus, Pete, Bob and Ed stepped forward, as if accepting Graham’s challenge.

At this point I noticed that Mr. Virus (who had been knocked out by a saucepan to the back of the head a few minutes ago and was lying unconscious on the floor up to now) had regained unconsciousness and was rising up from the floor. He was holding a fruit knife by the blade tip, his arm arched back like a circus knife thrower about to perform a stunt. The arm was aimed at Graham, who was nearest to where he lay.

‘Mr. Virus is awake!’ I shouted to Graham.

Mr. Virus threw the knife and Graham ducked sideways off the table. The remote in his hand flew in the other direction. Wolfgang quickly threw another saucepan at Mr. Virus, which hit him squarely in the forehead, knocking him out cold a second time.

Henchman Bob dived for the remote, as did John. They collided midair and knocked it on a different path through the air. Henchman Ed leaped up to catch the remote, but a rolling pin thrown by Eric smacked into his groin mid-leap and he fell back down, doubled over in pain. Michael ran forward to intercept the remote from landing in Henchman Pete’s outstretched hand, but Henchman Gus fly-tackled him sideways and they both crashed onto the floor. Terry tripped Henchman Pete, was tripped by another henchman called ‘Marv’ (according to his nametag), and Henchman Marv was tripped by the other Terry, who in turn stepped on a bar of soap and fell flat on his bottom. The remote landed in Laura’s hand.

‘Turn that infernal music off, we beg you!’ Mr. Dragon’s henchmen cried.

‘Alright boys, I think we’ve had enough digressions for now.’ She promptly and calmly switched the music off.

‘Aww fiddlesticks!’ Laura’s henchmen sighed in unison.

‘Take that, you tasteless bumholes!’ Mr. Dragon’s henchmen shouted in triumph.

‘Who you calling bumholes?’ Graham yelled back, ‘I’ll fight all of you!’

Laura’s henchmen and Mr. Dragon’s henchmen all got to their feet and began throwing insults at each other, as well as criticizing each other’s musical tastes (from what I gather, Mr. Dragon’s henchmen were either fans of country or gangsta rap, but not a combination of both).

Laura touched my shoulder, ‘while our former ally Mr. Kent is still unconscious, I should go tie him up, seeing that these musically passionate colleagues of mine will be occupied for quite a while on their present undertaking. Look after your friends and my son for me, won’t you, Charlie?’

I nodded, and she went to tie Mr. Virus up.

Dennis suddenly brightened up. He nudged Theo, and said, ‘You know, with all this excitement I almost forgot one thing.’

‘What’s that?’ Theo asked.

‘It’s your birthday. Happy birthday, my dear sister.’

‘Why yes it is!’ Heathcliff exclaimed, ‘Happy birthday my dear Theodora, here, um…I have to get you a birthday present!’ He took off searching for one.

Theo looked confused, then surprised, then even more surprised. She opened her mouth, but words did not come out of it for some time. Finally she said, ‘well that doesn’t surprise me, I’ve forgotten about my own birthday.’

‘That’s why I’m here to remind you.’ Dennis said with a smile.

‘You’re here for more than that, to me, Dennis.’ Theo smiled back.

‘What about me?’ Wolfgang cut in, ‘what am I here for to you?’

Theo didn’t say anything, but just turned to him and gave him an enigmatic smile.

‘Step aside, I know what I’m here for,’ Heathcliff declared, having found a present. Striding up to Theo, he presented her with a massive ribbon flower, the kind used on a cake box. ‘I couldn’t find any real flowers in this place, my darling.’

Theo raised her eyebrow at Heathcliff. ‘Have you ever missed an opportunity to attempt to propose to me?’

Before Heathcliff could give his answer, the intercom blared to life. However, the remote was still with Laura, so the system must have been overridden by another controller.

‘By god, what was that infernal music on the speakers just now?’ I recognized Mr. Dragon’s voice on the speakers. ‘Somebody better answer me this instant!’ For a moment everyone froze.

The argument between the two groups of henchmen stopped. Henchman Bob took out a walkie-talkie and said into it, ‘It was your ex-wife’s men, they hacked into the speaker system and put that awful stuff on air.’

‘Well where are the prisoners? Where are they now?’ Mr. Dragon barked.

‘Um, everyone’s here sir, in the mess hall.’

‘Everyone?’

“Yes sir.’

There was a loud crash through the speakers, followed by shouts and cursing. Then a different voice appeared.

‘Theo, are you alright?’

Theo snatched the walkie-talkie from Henchman Bob and talked urgently into it, ‘Grandfather! I’m alright. Are you alright?’

‘I’m alright, just fighting it out with my arch nemesis here. Bring reinforcements to the control room-’

There was another crash, and the speakers died.

Theo turned to Henchman Bob, and said, ‘show me to the control room.’

‘Hold your horses little lady,’ said a voice I had never heard before, ‘nobody’s going anywhere.’

Everyone turned to look at the source of that voice. At the other end of the mess hall, a door had opened and a man in a pitch-black suit who looks exactly like Harvey Keitel entered, followed by a line of men in black military uniform, carrying automatics. The men aimed their guns at us.

Seeing that everyone else was wide-eyed and seemed to know the identity of this person, and further seeing that they all seemed too stupefied to reveal that information to me, I decided to find out for myself, once again.

‘Are you Harvey Keitel?’ I asked the man.

‘No,’ the man replied, seemingly amused, ‘I’m the Wolf.’

And then he did the strangest, most incomprehensible thing. He raised a pistol and shot me right in the shoulder blade. 

T.N - Chapter 84

I don’t know what I expected, but it was definitely not this. Which, on second thought, it’s a bit of a ridiculous thing to not expect this, considering nothing should surprise me anymore. 

But there’s something about seeing full-grown adults, many of them very deadly trained mercenaries or similarly gifted people, having a food fight that defied all of the logic I still held onto. I didn’t even have to look over at Dennis and Charlie to know that they thoroughly enjoyed the spectacle. 

With a quiet thunk, I rested my head on the door. Maybe taking a moment to process everything will help me accept whatever happened. 

Of course, that moment was quickly taken away when the door started to ease open. I scrambled back, but the door continued to slip open on greased hinges. I had to hand it to the Dragon, he took good care of his submarine. 

I stood frozen as I watched the door open, not sure whether to dart forward and close it. I started to creep towards it, my hand outstretched, reaching for the handle.

“Theo, watch it,” said Dennis, pulling on my arm. “You’re going to get caught in the crossfire-“

As if to punctuate his thought, something goes flying over his head and hits the wall with a resounding splat. A tomato paints the previously pristine white wall, slowly sliding down in a trail of slightly morbid red. 

“Well we can’t just leave the door open either, obviously,” I said. 

Both Dennis and I startled back as a pair of glass measuring cups are thrown between us, crashing into a million pieces on the ground. 

“Why do all of these things seem to be aimed towards me?” Dennis asked. 

“I’m sure they don’t have time to actually be focusing their throws out here, they have enough on their hands in there.”

“I guess henchmen have some really bad aim,” Charlie remarked.

“One more thing to add to the list of why henchmen employed by evil people are bad at their jobs,” Dennis conceded. He mimed writing it down on an imaginary list. 

“Take that!” yelled somebody from inside, which sounded suspiciously like Heathcliff. 

“Dennis,” both Charlie and I warned, just as he looked up and was hit square in the face by a pie. It was one of those creamy ones, and it slowly slid off his face as he stood there, mimed invisible pen in the middle of the air. It couldn’t have caused much damage, except maybe to his ego. 

After a moment, he lifted his hand to gently wipe his eyes off, his mouth closing from the surprised ‘O’ to a grimace. 

Dennis sighed. “Ok, that’s it.” He rolled up his sleeves, bunching them up around his elbows. “I’m going in.”

“Wait, what?” Before I could protest anymore, Dennis (quite literally) threw himself into the fight. He picked up what looked to be a broken loaf of bread and a plate and started throwing them wildly at the other side of the room. 

I looked over at Charlie, and he shrugged at me. 

“We’re already in this deep…” I sighed. We took a few cautious steps into the room.

As we hovered by the doorway, I looked around to see what the room layout was like. Thankfully, it looked like the room was divided fairly neatly in half by a countertop, in which Laura and the others have taken the half to the right, and the henchmen the left. 

I picked out Wolfgang and Heathcliff from the others, paired together. Their shoulders were almost touching as they were jostled about by Laura’s men, who were putting in some excessive moves. 

Something glinted in the air from the other side of the room. One of the henchmen was holding what looked like very menacing dinner knives, and he slowly aimed them at Wolfgang and Heathcliff. 

Without another thought, I ran towards them. “Watch it!” I shouted, and they both turned towards me right as I ran and tackled them to the ground. 

We tumbled down and across the room, a tangle of legs, and arms and, “Ouch, watch your chin!” We landed in a heap right behind the counter, safe from any form of projectiles.

It took a moment for all of us to catch our breaths. My head thud against one of the cabinet doors in relief. 

“Theo, you’re safe!” exclaimed Heathcliff and Wolfgang at the same time, and they both hugged me. I melted into it a bit.

“I’m sorry for earlier,” I muttered.

“No, we’re sorry,” they both said. I laughed a little bit at how synchronized they sounded. I brushed them off, and they reluctantly let go.

“Not really a time for sentimental stuff right now, is it?” I smiled. 

“Yeah, but we didn’t exactly part on the greatest note,” said Wolfgang.

“We were worried sick!” added Heathcliff. 

“Well, you guys found Laura and her men, so I think we’re ok,” I said. 

“Did you manage to find your grandfather?” asked Heathcliff.

I shook my head. “I kind of got lost, but I found Charlie and Dennis, if you haven’t noticed them yet.”

Charlie had snuck his way besides Laura, and they seemed to be exchanging a few words with her while also dodging a couple of the food projectiles that had come their way. Dennis was next to John, and their faces of intense concentration sent a shiver down my spine. I noted to myself to never mess with Dennis when it came to food fights, if it ever came down to it.

“Good that you found them,” said Wolfgang, “but it would’ve been better if your plan had worked out.”

I shrugged “It’s for the better. Plus, if I wasn’t here, I think you guys would’ve been in trouble.” I pointed up at the two knives I had seen the henchman holding, now embedded into the wall. 

Wolfgang blanched a bit. “I had forgotten that there were actual things that could hurt you in a kitchen.”

“You should probably note that down for next time.” We all nodded in agreement.

I turned to face the counter on my knees, and slowly peeked my head out over the countertop. A couple of fruits came whipping past my face, and I quickly sat down. 

“Looks like we’re stuck here for a bit,” I sighed. I looked at the two of them. “While we’re here, care to tell me how this all started?” 

They looked at each other, trying to figure out silently who was going to start the story.

“Well, after you ran off, we started looking for Laura and the others,” started Heathcliff.

“We ended up running into a bunch of henchmen, who started chasing us until we ended up here in the mess hall,” added Wolfgang.

“We found Laura and the others here, and they were being guarded by the other henchmen and….Mr. Kent? Virus?” Heathcliff paused. “I don’t know what to call him.”

We all kind of shrugged. Even I didn’t know exactly what to call him anymore.

“Anyways,” started Wolfgang again, “they were very ready to use the tasers on us, and they had them out when we accidentally knocked these drums of water over.” He pointed over to the side of the room, where several large metal containers were lying on the floor. 

“So obviously, they don’t want to electrocute themselves,” Heathcliff continued.

“Thanks to that, Laura and her men were able to overpower the guards and duck over to this side of the room.”

“But we didn’t have any usable weapons on us, and neither did they.”

“So we kind of just…picked up the closest thing we had.”

“Which was supposed to be their lunch.”

“And started a food fight.”

“It escalated pretty rapidly.”

“Kent, Virus, whatever, ended up getting molten marshmallows dumped on him.”

“What?” I interrupted. “Why would there be that much molten marshmallow on a submarine?”

“We don’t know either,” shrugged Heathcliff.

“It was pretty effective though,” laughed Wolfgang.

I took a moment to process the rapid-fire bombardment of information, and then sighed. “Well, I’m glad we got that cleared up.”

There was some loud whooping noises, and we all jumped in surprise. I looked over to see Graham holding up a remote of some kind. The Terries looked like they had just made some sort of score, and were high fiveing each other. 

“Hit it, Graham!” they yelled. 

Graham dramatically hit a button on the remote, and the intercom crackled to life, blaring out very very loud music. 

“What is that?” yelled Wolfgang over the music.

“I think that was some form of interference, hacking into the intercom!” I yelled back.

“No, I mean the music!”

And truth be told, I had no idea. But whatever it was, it stopped the fighting completely.

C.N. - Chapter 83

I'm posting for G here after he wrote this.

Wow we've been gone for awhile (I think I say this every time we go on an unplanned hiatus, which is more times than I'd prefer)... Hope you enjoy this!

“Well,” Dennis stopped in his tracks, “the hatch to the main deck, right where we left it.” He pointed to the circular door in the ceiling.

“Do you hear anything coming through from up there?” Theo whispered.

Dennis climbed up a few rungs of the iron ladder directly beneath the hatch and pressed his ear as close to the metal as possible. “Nothing,” he whispered back.

“What if the Dragon’s henchmen are waiting right on the other side?” Theo whispered more urgently.

“HELLO? MR. DRAGON’S HENCHMEN? ARE YOU WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE READY TO AMBUSH US?” Dennis yelled at the hatch. His voice bounced off the ceiling and reverberated up and down the hallway for a few meters before disappearing.

“Dennis! Are you crazy? What did you do that for?” Theo hissed as she dragged him down from the ladder and cupped her hand over his mouth.

Dennis removed Theo’s hand from her mouth and said, “Well, Charlie and I had a conversation earlier while we were trying to look for you where we deduced that henchmen employed by evil villains are generally not very intelligent. So I was hoping that they’d fall for me asking them whether they’re behind there waiting to ambush us and tell us themselves.”

Theo slapped her forehead in exasperation and incredulity. “Words cannot express my feelings towards you two right now.” She said. 

We were silent for a few moments. All around us there was silence save the perpetual humming of machinery.

“So, judging from the silence, I see two clear possibilities,” Dennis broke the silence, “either there are no henchmen on the other side of the hatch, or there are henchmen on the other side of the hatch but didn’t fall for my trick, which would make them exceptionally intelligent henchmen, don’t you think, Charlie?”

“In any James Bond movie the henchmen would surely have fallen for that trick.” I concurred.

“Indeed, my bet is on the first possibility.” Dennis concluded.

“Really, guys?” Theo raised her eyebrows.

“I don’t see why not,” I said, “but just on the safe side, why don’t you try again? If there are indeed henchmen on the other side of the hatch, and they didn’t fall for your trick on the first try, maybe they will fall for it this time out of frustration that we’re taking too long to walk into their trap.”

Before Theo could clasp her hand over Dennis’ mouth again, he yelled at the top of his lungs, “HELLO? MR. DRAGON’S HENCHMEN? ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS HATCH WITH THE INTENT TO AMBUSH US?”

I laid my hand on Theo’s before she could stop Dennis from yelling further, “Trust me, I think this time it’s going to work.” Theo looked at me with a mixture of puzzlement, disbelief and awe, a look I’m beginning to realize that I get a lot from her.

Dennis continued, “I’M SPEAKING HONESTLY HERE FOR MYSELF AND MY FRIENDS WITH ME, WE’VE HAD ENOUGH SURPRISES IN THE PAST SEVERAL DAYS AND WE’D REALLY APPRECIATE IT, IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS HATCH WITH THE INTENT TO AMBUSH US, THAT YOU DECLARE YOUR PRESENCE SO WE DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN WE GO THROUGH AND BUMP INTO YOU GOOD FOLKS.”

Just like last time, Dennis’ voice traveled a short distance up and down the corridor and disappeared.

“Wait a minute,” Theo grabbed both our arms, “why is there no echo?”

“What echo?” Dennis asked, puzzled.

“This corridor is extremely long, we should hear a very sustained echo whenever we make any noise,” Theo said. She stamped her foot. A low rumbling crept along the metal floor of the corridor and disappeared abruptly after a few seconds.

“You’re right,” I said, “The sound is being suppressed.”

“That’s it!” Theo exclaimed, “This must be some sort of stealth technology at work, just like the one on Laura’s hovercraft.”

“You mean on the flyasaurus?” Dennis added.

“That’s why everything’s been so silent around us. Someone must have activated stealth mode on the interior of the submarine.” Theo continued.

“Stealth mode.” Dennis and I echoed at Theo’s brilliant realization.

We pressed close together, listening to the silence.

“Well, now’s a good time as ever, let’s go through.” Dennis swiftly mounted the ladder, twisted the circular latch, and pushed upwards before anyone can object.

White light spilled onto us. I squinted. Dennis climbed up first, helped Theo through, and then me. There were no henchmen waiting to ambush us after all, we had entered through the floor of another deserted corridor, this one bathed in bright light. It looked like the interior of the Starship Enterprise, white and porcelain. 

On the side of the corridor right in front of us was a pressurized door with a porthole fixed at eye-level. Creeping up to the glass, we peeked through, Theo on the left, Dennis in the middle and me on the right.

Theo’s jaw dropped wide open. Dennis looked like he was seeing the most beautiful thing he had ever encountered in his life. We gazed through the porthole at the sight on the other side of the glass. Laura, Wolfgang, Heathcliff, Laura’s henchmen, some of Mr. Dragon’s Henchmen, even Mr. Virus (covered from head to toe in what seems to be a buttery, creamy substance), they were all there. It was total chaos, kitchen utensils, pots and pans, chef’s hats, food and people were flying everywhere.

With delight, I exclaimed, “It’s a food fight!”

T.N - Chapter 82

I don’t know how I feel about God, being born and raised an agnostic, but I couldn’t help to see that there was some truth behind what Charlie was saying. We always managed to find our way to the upper hand, and I don’t know if it’s because of some higher power or just sheer luck, but this luck shouldn’t be wasted with me crying inside a closet. 

I didn’t want to be helped, not the way that Wolfgang and Heathcliff wanted to. That meant being protected, sheltered. But here was Charlie, offering help not out of his ego or a sense of duty, but because he genuinely wanted to support someone like me. And I knew if I didn’t want it, he would take no for an answer. We were equals, and that was that.

And then because of him, in the middle of what I think was a minor panic attack, I was able to laugh a bit and maybe even come out of it feeling alright. 

He still surprises me. In a good way.

“Theo? Is that really you?” came a different voice. Dennis.

“Charlie, you might want to move, I’m going to open the door,” I whispered. Then loudly to Dennis, “No, definitely not, this is just a random stranger in the closet that sounds exactly like Theo.” I wiped away the last of the tears and opened the door slowly. 

Bathed in the red light, it was hard to see their expressions, but I think they were pretty happy to see me. They were a bit ruffled, with Charlie’s hair sticking up in weird ways and Dennis’s clothes rumpled, but otherwise they looked in good condition. I could feel both Dennis and Charlie look at my face, which was probably a little worse for wear.

Instead of saying anything about it, Dennis reached out and ruffled my hair. “I’m glad you’re ok.”

I batted his hand away and smiled at him. “I’m glad you guys are ok too.”

“Where’s Heathcliff? And Wolfgang?” asked Charlie. “Weren’t they with you?”

I paused. “They were, earlier. We…parted ways after coming up with a short plan.”

“Ah, so you do have a plan,” said Dennis, then after a pause, “of course you do. Let’s hear it.”

I took off my glasses and wiped them with the hem of my shirt. “Knowing Grandfather, he’s still in the control room, since strategically that would be the best place to be to mess with the submarine and the Dragon’s men can’t risk destroying anything in that room. So I was headed there to see what I can do to help, and hopefully figure out a plan to escape the submarine with Grandfather. I sent the other two to find Laura and the rest, since the Dragon has probably left them alone to deal with Grandfather.”

“That’s great, we were just headed to the control room too before we found you!” said Charlie excitedly.

“Great minds think alike, I guess,” said Dennis.

“I wouldn’t exactly call your mind great, Dennis,” I said, playfully punching him on the shoulder. “Come on, let’s go.”

I took a few steps before I realized something. “Do you guys know which way is the way up to the control room?”

“Well, we just have to follow the spiral,” said Charlie. He peered into the darkness, looking at both ends of the hallways. He pointed to the right. “That way, it’s inclined upwards and curved to the left.

We started jogging down the hallway.

“A spiral, huh?” It seemed like an inefficient system to me, with so much empty space left in the middle, but this was designed by a guy who thought pure black hallways was a good idea. Did he never think of a blackout situation?

“Yep, it makes it pretty easy to find your way around, as long as you don’t go into the narrow side passages,” Charlie replied. 

Hopefully that meant it would be easy for us to find the control room and not easy for the Dragon’s men to find us. 

We kept running in silence, reserving our breaths. Of course, Charlie seemed completely unfazed by the amount of jogging we’ve been doing all of today, but my legs are starting to feel shaky again. I looked over at Dennis, and he was panting pretty heavily. Out of the three of us siblings, he was the least inclined to do any form of physical exercise of his own will, and it was pretty obvious.

“Need a break?” I asked.

He gave me a side glance glare, then started sprinting ahead. 

“Hey, don’t get too far ahead in case we run into anybody we don’t want to.” I ran up behind him and grabbed the back of his shirt, pulling him back. He stumbled a bit, and then slowed to a stop, doubled over.

“Maybe…I do need…a short break,” he panted out. 

“Your fault for pushing too hard.” I leaned against the wall. “It’s also your fault that my legs are killing me now.”

We stood quietly, Charlie waiting patiently for us to recover a bit. 

“You know what?” he said, breaking the silence. “It’s been really quiet in here.”

We all paused to listen for any noise. Other than the mechanical humming of the submarine, there was nothing.

“You’re right,” said Dennis. “Normally, you’d be hear something the closer you get to a battle scene. Especially if we’re talking about Grandfather facing off henchmen.”

“But it’s been completely silent,” I finished off our collective thought. 

What did that mean? Was Grandfather alright? I’m sure he was able to handle it on his own but…

“We better find out what’s up,” I said, and stood up. “You ok to go?” I asked Dennis.

He straightened up and smoothed down his shirt. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Let’s go.”

New Year, New Intermission Chapter

   “You know what?” Theo asked. “We haven’t been seen a lot lately.”

   She, as well as Charlie, Wolfgang, Heathcliff, and Dennis were sitting inside of a stereotypical actor’s movie trailer. They had been unexpectedly transported after the latest events in their story. After they had adjusted to their new surroundings, Theo had explained the whole “we’re controlled by authors” and “this is a parallel universe” thing to Dennis who had never been in the situation before (as well as to the others, who had mostly forgotten). Now they were comfortably lounging around the trailer. Theo was perched on the wooden coffee table, her right leg crossed over the other. Dennis and Heathcliff were sitting on the couch beside her, Dennis completely lax against the cushions while Heathcliff hovered closer to the edge of his seat. Wolfgang leaned against the window across from them, his arms crossed. Charlie was sitting on the floor cross-legged, all despite the protests of the others and them offering him a chair. 

   “What do you mean, haven’t been seen a lot?” asked Charlie. 

   “Well, I feel like there’s been…longer pauses in our appearances. In the story I mean.”

   “How is that even possible?” asked Dennis. “Time’s been passing at the same rate as always.”

   “For us maybe,” said Theo, “but I can imagine that there have been longer pauses for the authors. Haven’t you felt that weird lag?” 

   “Huh, I just thought that was a weird headache,” said Wolfgang. 

   “You’re probably right, Theo,” said Charlie. “I mean, there’s only been 10 chapters this past year, while in the past there’s been 20, even 70 done in a year.”

   There was a silence as the rest all looked at him in bewilderment. “How did you know that?” asked Theo.

   Charlie just shrugged. “It kind of just popped into my head.”

   “The authors must be planting information in our heads,” said Dennis. “If that’s even possible.”

   Heathcliff looked alarmed. “Does that mean they know everything that I think? That they control everything I say?”

   “We already went through this before, Heathcliff,” said Theo. 

   “We did?”

   “Yes, the first time this happened, we did.”

   There was another lull in the conversation as they shifted, trying to process the new information.

   “Since this is the most peace we’ve had in awhile, how about a game of rock paper scissors?” offered Charlie, holding out his hand. 

   Theo and Wolfgang cracked a smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve heard that,” said Wolfgang.

   “Definitely way too long,” replied Theo.

   “Anybody?” asked Charlie. 

   Dennis held out his hand, and he and Charlie played a few rounds. They tied a couple, and started alternating between wins and losses. Theo and Wolfgang watched bemusedly as the speed of the game picked up.

   “Well, that’s just unfair!” exclaimed Heathcliff. Everyone froze and looked up at him. Seeing that he had accidentally blurted out his thoughts, he coughed. “I mean, isn’t it unfair that we’re getting less attention than before? This is our lives that they’re dabbling with, our fates, our destinies!”

   “They have lives too,” pointed out Theo.

   “They could very well be just ignoring us,” said Dennis, retracting his hand held in ‘scissors’ from the game and sitting back into his seat. 

   “Or worse, they could be focusing on other writing projects! Abandoning us!” Heathcliff bemoaned. 

   “There were those other characters we met before,” Theo said. “And they did mention that they came from the other stories the authors created…”

   Heathcliff threw his arms into the air. “See!” 

   There was a collective silence in the trailer.

   Charlie, with his hand still in ‘paper’ said, “Well, wouldn’t most people make a formal complaint or something? If you can’t use actions, use words, right?”

   “Like what?” asked Wolfgang.

   “A letter would be suitable in this situation, I think,” said Charlie.

   “But can’t they just read our thoughts?” asked Heathcliff.

   Charlie just tilted his head. “It’s nice to have a formality like a letter, even if they can read our thoughts.”

   Theo looked around the room. “Well, that would be great, but only if we had the supplies to actually write a letter.”

   There was a knock on the door, and everyone straightened up, alarmed. Charlie finally dropped his hand.

   “Who’s there?” called out Wolfgang. There was no reply. 

   “If it’s something dangerous, I’ll protect Theo!” exclaimed Heathcliff, immediately standing up as if he was going to rush over to her.

   She stood up. “No need, Heathcliff. If my suspicions are correct, I know exactly what that was.” She walked over to the door and the others scrambled up to their feet. With the others hovering close behind her, she slowly opened the door. 

   On the metal steps was a pile of white paper and a blue ballpoint pen. Theo picked it up, wondering why the authors really had to make a show of giving stuff to them.

   As she stood back up, she noticed that outside of the trailer beyond the steps was pure nothingness. It was a complete white blank, for lack of a better description. If the void was inversely coloured, this is what it would’ve looked like.

   “They didn’t even bother with an outside setting,” Theo shook her head. She shut the door behind her, facing the apprehensive faces of the others. 

   “So?” asked Dennis. “What is it?”

   Theo held out the paper and pen. “Stuff to write a letter with.”

   The guys all sighed in relief. They made their way back to their seats. Theo pulled up a chair next to the coffee table and set the pen and paper down. She sat down, picked up the pen, and started writing. Dennis stood up and peered over her shoulder.

   “To K and G,” he recited as she wrote, “this is a formal complaint issued by the characters of your novel. Our general feeling is that we are being neglected, which is duly your responsibility as the creators of our universe. We also have individual complaints.”

   Dennis looked at Theo. “Isn’t this…overly formal?” he asked.

   Theo looked up at him. “If we’re writing a formal complaint, we should be formal. And if you could stop breathing down my neck, that would be great.”

   Dennis complied. “Speaking of individual complaints, could I state mine first?” 

   “Sure.”

   Dennis cleared his throat. “I, Dennis North, have been feeling sorely underdeveloped and neglected. You have placed me into the protective and reliable older brother role, having to take care of this troublesome bunch. I would like it very much if, in return for me performing this role, you could reveal a tragic backstory and add in a love interest, maybe a girl with brown hair and blue eyes and a much nicer personality than Theo’s-“

   “And I’m stopping you there,” said Theo, raising an eyebrow at Dennis. He sat back down on the couch. 

   She turned to Heathcliff. “Heathcliff, anything?”

   He opened his mouth, and Theo cut him off before he could even say anything. “Keep it short, ok?” she warned. 

   “Of course my darling,” he said. “As Heathcliff Carolus von Curtis the third, I feel as though everyone, all of your esteemed audience, would thoroughly enjoy more of my grand presence in their lives. For my humble sake and theirs, I wish wholeheartedly that you plan out a happy end for all of us, where I get to marry my darling Theo-“

   Theo threw the pen at Heathcliff as she and Wolfgang both yelled “How many times do I have to tell you? I/Theo won’t marry you!”

   Dennis laughed as he picked up the pen from the couch and handed it back to Theo. She cleared her throat and tried regaining composure before accepting the pen. Heathcliff sulked on the couch, hugging the closest pillow tightly.

   “What about you, Wolfgang?” asked Theo.

   “Just for them to stop lagging so I can stop getting this weird headache every time we jump back into the story,” he said. He then grinned wickedly. “Well, there are some things I’d like to change about the story…”

   “I probably don’t want to hear this, and you probably don't want to see what my reaction would be.” Theo waved the pen at him.

   “Charlie, do you have anything to say?” asked Dennis. 

   Charlie sat back and stared up into space, pondering. “I’m satisfied with my role so far, I don’t have any complaints to make. You can put that in.”

   “You can’t just say that!” exclaimed Dennis. “There’s got to be something you’re unsatisfied with.” 

   Charlie pondered some more, and shook his head. 

   “Suit yourself,” said Wolfgang. 

   “Well, I’ll write my own complaints then,” Theo said. She quickly jotted down her thoughts, making sure the others couldn’t see it.

   As soon as she finished writing, the letter, along with the pen, vanished out of existence. 

   “What the…” said Dennis.

   “Guess that means the authors have taken the letter,” said Theo. She sat back on the edge of the coffee table. The others settled back into their seats, relaxing again. 

   “What now?” asked Wolfgang. 

   “I guess we just wait,” Charlie said.

   And wait they did.

Here's to hoping you had a good 2014, and to hoping you have a great 2015. Happy New Year!
- K (and G)

C.N. - chapter 81

I was surprised, but overjoyed, to be reunited with Theo. I mean, what were the chances that we ran in different directions on this monstrous submarine and still ended up in the same location? Either we were the luckiest people in the world or Mr. Dragon's submarine is so elaborately designed to always allow you to find the person you're looking for. If it was the second option, it would be fantastic because then Theo's grandfather should happen upon us any moment!
It turned out that the hatch leading to the main deck opened into yet another dim, deserted hallway. Dennis had been holding a pee for quite a while, so he went searching for the bathroom. As soon as his tiptoeing footsteps became swallowed up in the darkness, I heard the sniffling.
Then I heard a voice from behind one of the pressure-locked doors not far from where I stood.
'Theo? I that you?' I leaned against the door and whispered.
'Charlie?' That's definitely Theo's voice, 'Yeah, it's me.'
'We found each other!' I whispered excitedly.
There was a pause and some more sniffling. 'Looks like you found me.'
'I heard a sniffling. Are you having an allergic reaction?' I whispered intently, 'If you are, let's get you somewhere that's better ventilated.'
Another pause, followed by a muted chuckle, 'No...it's not that.'
'That's a relief.' I whispered.
There was some shuffling, and more quiet.
'You know, Theo,' I whispered, 'finding you just now made me think, and I've realized something. This may be the greatest lucky streak of my life, these past few days has been.'
'Hmm?' Theo sounded slightly incredulous, 'Why would you call this lucky?'
'From what I see, everything has worked out to our advantage so far. When Wolfgang kidnapped you so he could marry you, Heathcliff and I arrived just in time to crash your wedding-'
'Hey! That was not going to turn into a wedding, and it never would have either, regardless of whether you two showed up or not, so don't twist the facts!'
'Okay, got it,' I nodded, 'So it was lucky because Heathcliff and I came just in time to cause a major distraction so you could get away.'
There was silence. I think Theo was thinking, so I continued.
'And then, Mr. Dragon came along and interrupted Wolfgang's original plot, so you didn't have to marry him anyways.'
'For the last time I was NEVER going to marry him! Don't make me repeat it again!'
'Right, I'm sorry,' I continued, 'And when we all got caught by Mr. Dragon, he invited us over to his place for a sleepover! I don't think that's something terrorists normally do, so it's another addition to the streak. And then, at Mr. Dragon's place, you found Laura's diary, which caused an emotional confrontation between father and son, buying you just enough time for your backup to surround Mr. Dragon's place. And also, even though Wolfgang got shot, we got medical attention to him almost right away.' I was running out of fingers to count all the lucky things that happened, and still had a long way to go, 'When we got to your house, we found the secret passageway that revealed Mr. Dragon's location, and also where your grandfather was. We also flushed out Mr. Dragon's informant, who was your brother, unfortunately, but who's to say our luck won't continue and he'll rehabilitate? We then met Laura and her awesome ninja henchmen. Then Mr. Kent revealed himself to be another one of Mr. Dragon's informants! Now I'm sure there are no more informants in your family, because I can't possibly image an informant being any more sophisticated than Mr. Kent. And we got picked up by Mr. Dragon's submarine, just in time so we didn't freeze to death in the ocean. And we successfully treated your hypothermia. And we escaped from the brig on this sub. And it turned out your grandfather is on here with us all along and sabotaged the ship just in time so we could all get away from Mr. Dragon's henchmen. And now,' I paused to take a breath, 'Mr. Dragon's henchmen still haven't located any of us! Isn't that just miraculous? Things are working out in our favor the whole way through. It's always Mr. Dragon who got unlucky, all his plans were interrupted. We didn't even put that much effort into making plans, and we were rewarded instead. If anything, I have a feeling our luck will just continue.'
Theo paused for quite a while before she spoke, 'That's...an interesting way to see things, but don't you realize? I've had absolutely no control over anything that's happened to us over these last few days, I try but I just feel completely powerless! How am I supposed to know things will work out when these are things I have absolutely no control over!'
'But we can't control what happens to us,' I pointed out, 'only God can.'
Another long silence.
'I didn't know you're religious.' Theo said.
'I've been going to Sunday school since I was 3,' I said, 'they taught me some very good things, like how God takes care of me, and makes sure nothing ultimately bad ever happens to me, and how even if something bad happens, it will eventually work out in my favor, because God is always helping me out, even when I don't see it.'
'I don't know if I believe that.' Theo said.
'I do. It's just that we've been on a lucky streak for so long. There has to be a reason why we always have the upper-hand. Looks to me like God's cheering us on.'
I sat in the silence thinking about something to say next. I think Theo did the same.
'By the way, thank you.' I said.
'For what?' Theo asked.
'For being a strong, independent young woman.' I explained, 'My mum always said: Charles, if you meet a strong independent young woman, you gotta congratulate her, because it's people like that who are going to take charge of the world and make it better, without the influence of some man. Because men have been running this world for a long time and they're doing a mighty atrocious job of it. It's up to the strong, independent young women like you to change the world, and you can totally do it, because you believe in yourself. Also, my mum said it, so I lend you my full support, even though you might not need it, since I'm a boy.'
'What makes you think I'm a strong, independent young woman?'
'It's obvious, because you don't want to get married, that's the first sign of a strong, independent young woman in the making.'
I heard tiptoeing footsteps. A moment later, Dennis appeared from the darkness.
'You were gone a long time.' I whispered to him.
'It was a number 2.' Dennis shuddered, 'I think it was the bad turnips I ate yesterday. Why are you crouched beside that door?'
'It's incredible. I found Theo!'

T.N - Chapter 80

Oh man, I really have no good excuse as to why I haven't posted anything in a few months.
Hello, I'm back (for now at least), and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

As I sprinted through the dim glow of the red emergency lights, I listened for the sound of Heathcliff and Wolfgang's footsteps behind me. Hearing nothing but silence, I slowed down my pace. My legs wobbled, and I placed a palm on the steel wall, steadying myself.

My fingers pulsed where it pressed up against the wall, fluttering with exhaustion. I tried to suppress my ragged panting by taking deeper, slower breaths, but my lungs struggled for more air and I gave up on trying. I let my hand slide down, and my head dropped as I stared at my shoes.

"Every time you do something alone, you end up getting into trouble," echoed Wolfgang's voice in my head.

My breath hitched.

"Theo, you're being irrational."

My fists clenched.

"End up getting into trouble."

I looked up into the dimness and started running again.

"Being irrational."

Feet pounding, head whispering, I ran down the slowly winding corridor.

"Trouble."

I came across a ladder ingrained into the wall, leading up to a hatch labeled M.D 2. With shaking hands I grabbed each rung and hauled myself up.

"Irrational."

Turning the latch, I push the hatch up and lift myself through. The halls were silent with emptiness, and I silently ran down the hallway.

"Trouble, irrational."

Warmth, wet saltiness. Was I crying?

"Trouble, irrational, trouble, irrational."

I was crying.

"Trouble, irrational, trouble irrational trouble--"

My running turned to trudging steps as the red lights blurred into hazy dots and my steady breathing turned into quiet sobbing.

"--irrational trouble irrational trouble IRRATIONAL TROUBLE--"

I slipped into a utility closet and I cried.

I cried about everything. Over being kidnapped. Over Kyle strangling me. Over Wolfgang getting shot to save me. Over losing Grandfather and almost losing Kyle. Over losing Kent when he betrayed us, betrayed me. Over the thought of possibly losing everyone else. Dennis. Wolfgang. Heathcliff. Charlie. I cried over the sheer absurdity of everything and how helpless I was in the midst of it.

Wolfgang was right, I knew. From everything I could tell, anytime I acted on my own, I just put myself and often everyone else in danger. And despite knowing this, I put my own pride and ego first. I just wanted to protect everyone, but that became so twisted.

I remembered a scene from my childhood at that moment. There was Heathcliff and Wolfgang, and we were all at my house while our parents and grandparents had their talk. Wolfgang and I were 6 years old, while Heathcliff was 8. We were play acting as usual, going over the same scene for the hundredth time.

"I'm the prince!" shouted little Heathcliff, a big grin on his face, brandishing a toy sword. "And I'm going to save the princess!"

"And I'm the fierce dragon!" replied Wolfgang, roaring and growling with delight. "The princess is mine, and you'll never get to her in the tower!"

I was the princess of course. Every day we met, before we started playing, they placed a crown on my head and insisted that I wear this purple sparkly tutu. Every time I picked up the toy sword, they took it from my hands. Every time I put the dragon costume on, they told me to put a dress on instead.

"You have to be the princess," they insisted. "You have to be rescued." I hated it.

"I just didn't want to be the princess anymore," I muttered to myself.

"Theo?" whispered a voice quietly from outside the closet door. "Is that you?"

I froze up. I sniffled a couple of times, wiping my face with my sleeves. "Charlie?" I paused. "Yeah, it's me."