C.N. - chapter 90

G!

I woke up, and everything was silent. I was still strapped to the gurney. A steel trolley beside where I lay had a pile of bloody gauze and bandages on it. My chest was freshly bandaged and still had a numb sensation. A single fluorescent light tube was on at the far end of the large room. Terry and Terry were nowhere in sight.
I tried to get up, and found that I couldn't. The straps around my wrists and ankles pretty much restricted all movement of my limbs. I could only raise my head to look around me.
Without hearing footsteps first, I saw the door at the far end of the room open, and someone stepped in. This person was wearing flannel shorts, and looked like he had never shaved his legs before. Maybe he was one of Mr. Dragon's henchmen who had been on vacation in a tropical place and just returned.
The person approached me, and from the posture of his walk and his physique, it occurred to me that it was unlikely that he was Mr. Dragon's henchman after all. This person looked like a late-teenager, around my age, in fact.
'Hello Charlie.' The person said.
'Hello, are you one of Mr. Dragon's henchman who had been on vacation and just returned to base? Because if you are I think there's an invasion going on right now.' Although this was now a dubious assumption, I still wanted to test it out.
'I know about the invasion in progress, but I'm not one of Mr. Dragon's henchmen.'
'How did you know my name?' I asked him.
'Why wasn't that your first question?' The person pointed out.
'I don't know, it just came out that way.'
'Well I know, because I wrote it that way.' The person smiled.
'What do you mean?'
'I'm the author of this story, your author, to be exact. I created you on a word processor.'
'Wow, really?'
'That's right, I'm here now because there's a lot of exciting things happening in the story right now. This is the grande finale of your story, so I don't want you to miss out on all the action that is taking place which you aren't there to witness.'
'So what's happening right now that I'm not there to witness?' I asked.
'Allow me to take over the narration for a moment, you'll see it all.'
'Ok,' I said, 'how will you do that?'
'It's extremely simple, I just replace your narrative voice with mine. You can simply sit back and enjoy the grand finale of your story, without having to narrate any of it.'
'Wow, I didn't know I was narrating the story this whole time.' I exclaimed. Indeed, I had no idea the thoughts in my head were being recorded for other people to read, if that's even how this is supposed to work.
'By the way, how's your bullet wound? It wasn't too painful was it?' My author asked.
'Oh no, just a flesh wound.'
'I knew it, you took it extremely well. Even I couldn't handle it like you did if I got shot in the shoulder by Harvey Keitel. Now, where are we...

The Lynx was rudely woken up from her afternoon nap in the reading room by an explosion that shook the whole floor and ejected a stream of concrete dust from a crack in the ceiling straight onto her face.
'That blasted vulture better not be playing with his explosives again.' She thought to herself. Then there came the gunfire.
'Must be the Dragon and the Wolf,' she said again to no one in particular, 'those two imbeciles are reenacting the finale of The Matrix again. This is shameful, when will boys grow up?'
The Vulture ran into the reading room, with not one, but two belts of explosives strapped to his waist and an AK-47 slung over his shoulder. His turban was covered in soot.
'How many times do I have to tell you,' the Lynx said with great annoyance, 'if you want to play with your explosives, don't do it on the recreation floor-'
'We're being attacked!' The Vulture cut her off, 'Every man for himself!' He ran off via the entrance on the opposite end of the room to the one he came through.
The Lynx rolled her eyes and yawned. The rattle of machinegun fire and footsteps got closer. She made her way to the floor mirror and combed her gray hair. Shouts and screams of pain were now audible in the approaching noise. It sounded like two groups of people are fighting intensely in the hallway. The Lynx thought to herself how much she was beginning to look like the Queen of England. Maybe it's time to retire, she added. The footsteps were just around the corner. Dense gray smoke was blowing into the reading room. The Lynx pressed the side of the mirror, it swing back to reveal the entrance to a hidden passageway. She slipped through the entrance. The mirror swung back to place just as the fight in the hallway spilled into the deserted reading room.
Meanwhile, Mr. North, grandfather of Theo North, was finishing off a squadron of poorly-trained henchmen who had the misfortune to run into him as he made his way towards the Dragon's Den, where he had been held captive just several hours ago. Mr. North, freshly pissed off that he wasn't able to thoroughly crush the Dragon at their rematch on the submarine (which he exploded before reentering the underground complex), was not going to let that villain get away this time.
Moreover, he had to find his granddaughter. Though he knew perfectly well that she could handle the situation on her own, he wanted to be there to see her kick ass, and also kick some ass in her presence to prove to her that he wasn't getting old like he had assumed she was beginning to think. Mr. North had radioed the League of Justice as soon as the submarine was abandoned and the fight moved underground. Their aircrafts should arrive in no time. The terrorists did not stand a chance.
Then Mr. North heard the loud cursing coming from close by, followed by a blast from a high powered rifle and then more swearing. He stopped by a door that read 'Auditorium - center balcony' and confirmed that the swearing was coming from the other side.
The constant stream of cursing was sporadically interrupted by hails of gunfire. Mr. North slowed opened the door and peeked through. Standing at the edge of the balcony with his back to Mr. North was the Panther in a bloodstained white suit, firing a machinegun and cursing wildly at the main floor below. At the Panther's feet were piled several bags of white powder.
The Panther was screaming, 'You think you can take me? You need a fucking army, if you gonna take me! You hear? Come on! I take you all to fucking hell! Who you think you fucking with? I'm-'
At this, a hail of bullets from below struck him in the chest, but the Panther did not fall, he regained his balance as more bullets struck him all across the front of his exposed body. His cursing did not stop.
'You fuck with me, you fucking with the best! I'm still standing. Come on! I take your fucking bullet!' The firing below had stopped. Everyone was dumbstruck by this terrorist, still alive and standing after having been shot numerous times. Mr. North silent approached the Panther from behind, while raising his rifle in slow-motion.
'You think you kill me with bullets? I take your fucking bullets! Go ahead!' With astounding cocaine-induced strength, the Panther raised his machinegun for a act of defiance in the face of certain death. 'SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE F-' At that, Mr. North fired one round right into the Panther's back. The Panther's battle cry was abruptly cut short, and he pitched forward over the railings. A thud was heard below, following by cheers.
Mr. North approached the railing and looked out below. Laura's henchmen in the League of Shadows were coming out from behind their cover spots to attend to the wounded.
'Hey look, it's Mr. North!' Someone said.
'Hello there Mr. North,' someone else said, 'if you hadn't shot him down, we'd have been here for another five minutes.'
'Drug kingpins can sure absorb those bullets.'
'So thanks for that!'
'No need to thank me,' Mr. North called down, 'now let's go finish those damn terrorists once and for all!' Everyone cheered, and the fight continued.
Meanwhile, the Serpent was running along a pitch black hidden passageway with a flashlight to guide him. He had to make it to the escape pods at the lowest level of the complex before everyone else. If he could strand all the other terrorists on the island, the League of Shadows wouldn't think to pursue him until he long gone.
He turned a corner, and his head collided with a hard object which smelled faintly of perfume. There was a crack, and his glasses broken in two down the bridge. His vision - even in the darkness - suddenly became blurry. The hard object happened to be the head of the Lynx.
'Ouch!' They both clutched their heads and yelled.
'Fancy seeing you here, Serpent, sneaking away like a rat!' The Lynx remarked.
'As if you're not!' The Serpent retorted. He grabbed onto her arm. 'You broke my glasses too, now I can't see shit!'
'Well too bad for you, let go of me!'
'No! I'm not letting go until you compensate for the damage!'
'What? In case your idiocy caused you to not notice something very obvious, we are being invaded!'
'Exactly! You have to get us out of here and to a lens store, or we'll both get captured.'
'What makes you think I'm going to take you?'
The Serpent smiled slyly, 'Once you reach main land, you'll need certain documents from scratch to stay in hiding,' he said, 'only certain individuals know how to create these documents, and only one of them knows how to do it from scratch...do you catch my drift?'
The Lynx sighed. 'Fine, you little weasel, it's a deal, but don't get any clever ideas, this alliance is only temporary.'
'How can I expect anything more?' The Serpent replied, 'By the way, I wouldn't mind starting a art collection of my own. How about in exchange for crafting you a new identity, I get half your-'
The Lynx lifted the much shorter Serpent up by his neck, 'Don't even think about it.'
'Deal.' The Serpent squealed as he tried to loosen his neck from her iron grip. The Lynx dropped him, and with his grip on her arm and she leading the way, they made their was towards the escape pods.
Meanwhile, Laura, John and Eric were running to the scene where Graham was injured. A fire had erupted in the power generator, which was spreading quickly throughout the underground complex. Smoke filled the hallways.
The League of Shadows had cornered the Wolf and some remaining henchmen under his command at the laboratory of the complex. The Wolf and his henchmen were cornered at the dead end of the laboratory, behind a barricade made of steel trolleys. The League of Shadows fighters were shielded behind a similar barricade just beyond the main entrance, which was steadily moving forward towards the Wolf's barricade. It was here that Laura, Eric and John found Michael, Terry, Terry and Graham, who was bleeding profusely from a chest wound.
'You know, this is quite unfair,' Graham said between gasps as Terry and Terry tried to wrap their shirtsleeves around his chest to stop the bleeding, 'Charlie gets shot in the chest and you two patched him up in a jiffy, well why don't I get the same treatment, eh?'
'Save your breath old chap,' Terry said, 'the trouble is Charlie's bullet didn't puncture a major artery, yours did. God dammit blood, why won't you clot?'
'Everybody duck.' Michael shouted.
A hail of machinegun fire peppered across the bullet-ridden walls behind them. The League of Shadows returned fire.
'You know what would really come in handy right now?' Eric shouted to Michael.
'What?' Michael replied.
'A bazooka.'
'We have a bazooka.' Michael said, he dragged it out of the stockpiles behind their firing line.
'Then why don't we use it?'
'We don't have any rockets. Some brilliant chap left them on Flyasaurus No. 5, and Flyasaurus 5 blew up while we were busting open the air vents so we could blow hydrogen sulfide into their ventilation ducts.'
'I don't smell any rotten eggs.' Terry remarked.
'That's because some other brilliant chap mistook the water vapor canisters for hydrogen sulfide.'
'What about the grenades?' Eric shouted.
'We used them all.' Michael said.
'Wait, do we still have smoke grenades?' Laura asked.
'Two left.' Michael checked the stockpile.
'And that's an all-purpose rocket launcher, correct?'
'Of course,' Michael held it up for her, 'I designed it myself.'
'Load the smoke grenades.' Laura said.
Michael's eyes brightened up, 'Of course! He said, and stuffed the two smoke grenades into the bazooka.
'Everybody run!' Laura yelled, loud enough for the terrorists to hear.
Michael fired, ditched the bazooka, and ran, as did Laura and the others. On the other side of the room, every terrorist except the Wolf leaped over their barricade in panic and out into the open. As soon as they did that, Laura and her henchmen turned around and opened fire on the exposed terrorists. They were gunned down shortly.
'Ah, evil henchmen always fall for that trick.' Michael said as the smoke grenades released their fumes. They charged past the fallen henchmen and trained their guns on the dense cloud of smoke.
When the smoke cleared, the Wolf's body was not found among the slain.
'Well boys, it looks like Clark's hidden tunnels in this place got a bit more extensive since our divorce. Start searching.' This commenced.
Laura walked back to the entrance, where Terry, Terry and Eric were treating Graham's injury.
'How is he doing?' She asked.
'Not good.' Eric replied.
'How not good?'
'He has no pulse.'
Meanwhile, the Tyrannosaurus Rex, perhaps the most determined terrorist still left standing at this point in the fight, when the rest of his brethren had been all struck down or making their hasty escape, was a man on a mission. Using the numerous hidden passageways built into the island's underground facility (which most of the other terrorists, in their panic, had completely forgotten about), he sneakily dodged the soldiers of the League of Shadows and their newly arrived reinforcements, the League of Justice led by Mr. Parker and Mr. Wayne, which had swarmed the terrorists' stronghold like floodwater. He had only one single destination in mind, and one confrontation to settle. The bodies falling around him and the bullets flying over his head had hardly any effect on the psyche of this determined, fanatical man. He headed straight for the Dragon's Den, the idiotically named lair of his contemptuous boss which was where he took his afternoon tea. He knew he would find the Dragon there, the Devil's voice was guiding him, and he would have his vengeance...'

'Why did you stop there?' I asked my author after he trailed off on that sentence and didn't pick up again.
'Well, that part of the story belongs to Theo. According to the traditional laws of storytelling, the main character of any story should be afforded the opportunity to confront his or her arch nemesis at the climax of his or her story. This enables the character to complete his or her story arc, figuratively speaking. Theo's story arc can only be completed by her confrontation with the Dragon.'
'Do I have a story arc too?'
'You do, your arc in this story is your journey towards making new friends. You now have several new friends you didn't have a week ago, so your arc is complete.'
'Wow, but will I have a new story after this one is over?'
My author paused for a moment to think, then he said, 'As much as I dislike giving indecisive answers, I'm going to have to swallow my pride and quote the old saying: we'll see about that, we'll see. Any final questions before I leave?'
I thought for a moment, then I said, 'Something tells me that you know what I'm going to ask you.'
'Ask anyways, it's not everyday that I get to talk to a character of mine.'
'What's a fob?' I said.
My author smiled as if recalling a long-forgotten memory, 'A fob is someone who looks at the world through rose-colored glasses.' He said.
'I don't wear glasses,' I said to myself.
'Then you're not a fob, good bye Charlie, may we meet again when the situation calls for it.' I blinked, and my author disappeared.

C.N. - chapter 87

The thing about being the first person shot in a situation like this was that everyone usually had their attention on you. When we exited the submarine onto the dock, all of Mr. Wolf’s henchmen kept glancing at me. Presumably none of them had ever taken a bullet to the shoulder and they were all curious how it felt.

Curiously, when we congregated with Mr. Dragon’s henchmen on the beach, only every other henchmen that surrounded us from Mr. Dragon’s group had their attention trained on me. Each curious henchman stood next to another henchman who dressed identically but didn’t notice me at all. I wondered if those henchmen who didn’t notice me had been shot in the shoulder before, which eliminated their curiosity.

All of a sudden, I heard someone snap their fingers, and all the henchmen who didn’t pay any attention to my shoulder wound trained their guns on the nearest henchman beside them, all in a split second. Just now, their guns had been trained on me, Theo and the others. I was going to conclude a minute ago that we were probably hostages again, but now the situation had changed again. It was getting confusing trying to keep track of it all.

Mr. Dragon and Mr. Wolf, who were engaged in a heated conversation some distance away, noticed the abrupt change in who pointed a gun at who. Mr. Wolf, who spoke first, said, ‘Men, kill the hostage-‘

Before he could finish his sentence however, Mr. Dragon karate side-chopped Mr. Wolf in the nose. In the same instant, the henchmen whose guns were trained on the henchmen whose guns were trained on us opened fire, shooting down every henchmen whose guns where previously trained on us except one. The one extra henchman whose gun was previously trained on us received a fatal-looking kick in the jaw from Laura.

‘Damn it, bloody useless henchmen!’ Mr. Dragon cursed.

‘You forget, Clarke,’ Laura said coolly, ‘no matter how well-trained and well-equipped they may be, henchmen who serve villains are always of an inferior quality.’

Mr. Dragon shrugged in the same way dad always does when mom gets on his case about something he knows he can’t get out of, he said, ‘that’s why I made all the necessary precautions myself.’

I realized that Mr. Dragon was holding a button device in his hand the whole time. Laura yelled ‘Duck!’ and everyone hit the sand flat. Then the ground exploded.

An enormous shower of sand filled the air. When the air finally cleared, I was half-buried in the sand. So were Theo and Wolfgang near me. Dennis had leaped into the water, she was just coming out. Laura was the first to dust herself off and stand up, followed by Graham, Eric, Michael, Terry, John and Terry and some of the henchmen who fired at their fellow henchmen. These henchmen were now taking off their ski masks and were exchanging high-fives with Laura’s six henchmen.

‘Where’s Heathcliff?’ Dennis asked.

‘Get me off of here!’ Heathcliff’s voice shouted from the top of a palm tree at the edge of the beach line. His clothes had been shredded to ribbons, and his face was covered in soot. The blast must have blown him up there.

‘Those were gas bombs,’ Laura said, ‘and judging by the little harm they did us they must have been buried in the sand for a long time. Clarke must have figured a hostage reception on his island might get out of hand one of these days.’

‘Little harm?!’ Heathcliff yelled from the tree, ‘Look at me! My suit is ruined!’

Mr. Dragon and Mr. Wolf had both disappeared. More henchmen in ski masks came out onto the beach from the palm trees and began taking their masks off.

‘What was that explosion just now, Laura?’ One henchman greeted Laura with a smile and said, ‘it sounded like five hundred pigs letting out gas in perfect unison.’

‘Oh, it’s nothing,’ Laura replied, ‘good job, you came in the nick of time. What did you do with Clarke’s island patrol?’

‘Every single one we could find is now hanging upside-down from a palm tree with clown makeup on his face.’ The henchman replied with a grin. ‘That was some swell infiltrating we did just now, wasn’t it?’

‘It was excellent, Kevin. Where are the flymachines hidden?’

‘You mean the pterocrafts?’

‘Yes, you’ve parked them in a secure location?’

‘Indeed, they are perfectly invisible.’

Laura clapped her hands for everyone’s attention, ‘Alright, my henchmen-‘

‘Ahem, colleagues, you mean,’ said at least ten of Laura’s henchmen, including Graham.

‘Right, my colleagues in the League of Shadows, we are about to launch our long-anticipated attack on the home base of our arch enemy, the League of Terrorism. You all know the floor plan of this facility-‘

‘Thanks to me,’ John chimed in.

‘Thanks to our colleague John,’ Laura continued, ‘and each of you know your part in the mission, so let’s head out and KICK ASS!’

Laura’s henchmen/colleagues hollered, and dispersed back into the jungle.

Wolfgang tucked on Laura’s suit, ‘Mom, what should we do?’ He motioned towards himself, Theo, Wolfgang, Dennis, Heathcliff (who was lifted out the palm tree by Michael), and me.

‘All of you stay close to me, especially you, my son, I won’t lose you a second time.’

‘You got that right, mom.’ Wolfgang smiled slyly.

‘That’s my boy.’ Laura smiled back, ‘Terry, Terry, take Charlie to the infirmary. You know where the rest of us are heading, join us after Charlie is treated.’

Terry and Terry scooped me up by the legs. ‘Roger that, Laura.’

We headed out into the jungle, brushing past some dense foliage, and quickly came upon a concrete ramp leading underground. We were then jogging down a dim tunnel, which emerged into a concrete hallway lined with windowless doors and pipes running along the ceiling. More hallways began to diverge from this one. Carrying me between them, Terry and Terry ran down a different hallway away from the others. It looked like we were in the hospital wing of the facility.

Soon enough, we arrived in a large room where many stretchers were parked. Terry and Terry unloaded me onto the nearest stretcher, and raided the medical cabinet and drawers. They returned with pouches of white powder, gauze, bandages, and some surgical instruments – including a tong and a pair of scissors – I recognized from the last time I got shot. Terry removed the bandages Theo applied to my shoulder, and Terry dumped a pouch of the white powder on the wound.

‘What’s the white powder?’ I asked.

‘Just some morphine,’ Terry replied, as he dipped the scissors in a can of disinfectant liquid, ‘you’ve gotten shot but never seen morphine in your life?’

‘No,’ I said plainly, ‘see, the first time I got shot, we went to my family doctor, who said he had to operate straight away. They just strapped me to a stretcher, got the scissors, and cut the bullet out of me.’

‘Woah,’ said Terry, strapping my arms and legs to the stretcher, ‘how did you manage to withstand the pain?’

‘I fainted.’ I replied. I noticed that my chest was now numb. I couldn’t feel the pain from the bullet wound anymore, and I felt rather sleepy all of a sudden, like I just spent up all the energy in my body.

‘Let’s see…the bullet got wedged right between the collarbone, and only minor tissue damage. Terry, isn’t that a miracle!’ Terry exclaimed.

Terry leaned in closer to have a look, ‘It certainly is Terry, now let’s get to work.’

‘Are you going to cut the bullet out of me?’ I asked groggily.

‘Yep, so you just relax and take a nap, the morphine is acting up.’ One of the Terries reassured me.

‘And we’ll have the Wolf pay for this, before you even wake up!’ The other Terry said.

Then I drifted off into unconsciousness.

C.N. - chapter 85

Have you ever wondered how well a banjo and a dubstep synthesizer go together? Well, Graham had connected his iPod playlist to the intercom system on Mr. Dragon’s submarine, and the music coming out of the speakers had exactly that: a banjo and a dubstep synthesizer.

‘Aww, this is disgusting!’ A henchman shouted, covering his ears. I noticed for the first time that all the henchmen wore nametags on their uniform. This particular henchman’s tag said ‘Gus’.

‘Make it stop!’ Yelled another henchman whose nametag displayed ‘Pete’.

Similar complaints issued from the mouths of Mr. Dragon’s other henchmen in the hall. There were clangs on the floor as henchmen who had been holding kitchen gadgets dropped what they were holding in shock and bewilderment. Everyone had stood up.

Laura’s henchmen, on the other hand, were enjoying what was coming out of the speakers so much they hopped onto the counters and began tap dancing (I think it was tap dancing).

Then the lyrics came on. The singer sounds to be rapping…with an exaggerated Midwestern accent. I couldn’t exactly comprehend much of the lyrics, though I caught a few lines about haystacks, shotguns, and the verse ‘Imma milk the cash like I milk my cow’, whatever that meant.

‘This is just wrong,’ the henchman with nametag ‘Bob’ said, ‘it’s like eating live shrimp with cheese dip!’

‘With blue cheese dip,’ added a henchman bearing the nametag ‘Ed’, sticking out his tongue in disgust.

‘Yeah, you would know.’ Countered Eric, who was rapping along with the song.

Theo turned to Laura with a puzzled look on her face, ‘what is this music?’

It seemed Laura had had the question put to her before. ‘Well, my henchmen-‘ Laura began. Michael interrupted her.

‘Ahem, colleagues, you mean.’ He said.

‘Right,’ Laura continued, ‘my colleagues all possess a rather alternative taste in music. What you’re hearing is a relatively unknown fusion genre combining gangsta rap and country music.’

‘It’s called craptry.’ John added.

‘Not exactly my cup of tea, but I don’t mettle in the kind of music my colleagues listen to.’ Laura said.

‘WHAT?’ Half of Mr. Dragon’s henchmen in the room gasped incredulously.

‘Makes sense, it sounds like crap.’ Henchman Gus said.

‘Who said that?!’ Graham spun around angrily, ‘which one of you cretins said that?! Who dares to insult my tastes in art?! Speak up, I’ll fight you!’

Several henchmen including Gus, Pete, Bob and Ed stepped forward, as if accepting Graham’s challenge.

At this point I noticed that Mr. Virus (who had been knocked out by a saucepan to the back of the head a few minutes ago and was lying unconscious on the floor up to now) had regained unconsciousness and was rising up from the floor. He was holding a fruit knife by the blade tip, his arm arched back like a circus knife thrower about to perform a stunt. The arm was aimed at Graham, who was nearest to where he lay.

‘Mr. Virus is awake!’ I shouted to Graham.

Mr. Virus threw the knife and Graham ducked sideways off the table. The remote in his hand flew in the other direction. Wolfgang quickly threw another saucepan at Mr. Virus, which hit him squarely in the forehead, knocking him out cold a second time.

Henchman Bob dived for the remote, as did John. They collided midair and knocked it on a different path through the air. Henchman Ed leaped up to catch the remote, but a rolling pin thrown by Eric smacked into his groin mid-leap and he fell back down, doubled over in pain. Michael ran forward to intercept the remote from landing in Henchman Pete’s outstretched hand, but Henchman Gus fly-tackled him sideways and they both crashed onto the floor. Terry tripped Henchman Pete, was tripped by another henchman called ‘Marv’ (according to his nametag), and Henchman Marv was tripped by the other Terry, who in turn stepped on a bar of soap and fell flat on his bottom. The remote landed in Laura’s hand.

‘Turn that infernal music off, we beg you!’ Mr. Dragon’s henchmen cried.

‘Alright boys, I think we’ve had enough digressions for now.’ She promptly and calmly switched the music off.

‘Aww fiddlesticks!’ Laura’s henchmen sighed in unison.

‘Take that, you tasteless bumholes!’ Mr. Dragon’s henchmen shouted in triumph.

‘Who you calling bumholes?’ Graham yelled back, ‘I’ll fight all of you!’

Laura’s henchmen and Mr. Dragon’s henchmen all got to their feet and began throwing insults at each other, as well as criticizing each other’s musical tastes (from what I gather, Mr. Dragon’s henchmen were either fans of country or gangsta rap, but not a combination of both).

Laura touched my shoulder, ‘while our former ally Mr. Kent is still unconscious, I should go tie him up, seeing that these musically passionate colleagues of mine will be occupied for quite a while on their present undertaking. Look after your friends and my son for me, won’t you, Charlie?’

I nodded, and she went to tie Mr. Virus up.

Dennis suddenly brightened up. He nudged Theo, and said, ‘You know, with all this excitement I almost forgot one thing.’

‘What’s that?’ Theo asked.

‘It’s your birthday. Happy birthday, my dear sister.’

‘Why yes it is!’ Heathcliff exclaimed, ‘Happy birthday my dear Theodora, here, um…I have to get you a birthday present!’ He took off searching for one.

Theo looked confused, then surprised, then even more surprised. She opened her mouth, but words did not come out of it for some time. Finally she said, ‘well that doesn’t surprise me, I’ve forgotten about my own birthday.’

‘That’s why I’m here to remind you.’ Dennis said with a smile.

‘You’re here for more than that, to me, Dennis.’ Theo smiled back.

‘What about me?’ Wolfgang cut in, ‘what am I here for to you?’

Theo didn’t say anything, but just turned to him and gave him an enigmatic smile.

‘Step aside, I know what I’m here for,’ Heathcliff declared, having found a present. Striding up to Theo, he presented her with a massive ribbon flower, the kind used on a cake box. ‘I couldn’t find any real flowers in this place, my darling.’

Theo raised her eyebrow at Heathcliff. ‘Have you ever missed an opportunity to attempt to propose to me?’

Before Heathcliff could give his answer, the intercom blared to life. However, the remote was still with Laura, so the system must have been overridden by another controller.

‘By god, what was that infernal music on the speakers just now?’ I recognized Mr. Dragon’s voice on the speakers. ‘Somebody better answer me this instant!’ For a moment everyone froze.

The argument between the two groups of henchmen stopped. Henchman Bob took out a walkie-talkie and said into it, ‘It was your ex-wife’s men, they hacked into the speaker system and put that awful stuff on air.’

‘Well where are the prisoners? Where are they now?’ Mr. Dragon barked.

‘Um, everyone’s here sir, in the mess hall.’

‘Everyone?’

“Yes sir.’

There was a loud crash through the speakers, followed by shouts and cursing. Then a different voice appeared.

‘Theo, are you alright?’

Theo snatched the walkie-talkie from Henchman Bob and talked urgently into it, ‘Grandfather! I’m alright. Are you alright?’

‘I’m alright, just fighting it out with my arch nemesis here. Bring reinforcements to the control room-’

There was another crash, and the speakers died.

Theo turned to Henchman Bob, and said, ‘show me to the control room.’

‘Hold your horses little lady,’ said a voice I had never heard before, ‘nobody’s going anywhere.’

Everyone turned to look at the source of that voice. At the other end of the mess hall, a door had opened and a man in a pitch-black suit who looks exactly like Harvey Keitel entered, followed by a line of men in black military uniform, carrying automatics. The men aimed their guns at us.

Seeing that everyone else was wide-eyed and seemed to know the identity of this person, and further seeing that they all seemed too stupefied to reveal that information to me, I decided to find out for myself, once again.

‘Are you Harvey Keitel?’ I asked the man.

‘No,’ the man replied, seemingly amused, ‘I’m the Wolf.’

And then he did the strangest, most incomprehensible thing. He raised a pistol and shot me right in the shoulder blade. 

C.N. - Chapter 83

I'm posting for G here after he wrote this.

Wow we've been gone for awhile (I think I say this every time we go on an unplanned hiatus, which is more times than I'd prefer)... Hope you enjoy this!

“Well,” Dennis stopped in his tracks, “the hatch to the main deck, right where we left it.” He pointed to the circular door in the ceiling.

“Do you hear anything coming through from up there?” Theo whispered.

Dennis climbed up a few rungs of the iron ladder directly beneath the hatch and pressed his ear as close to the metal as possible. “Nothing,” he whispered back.

“What if the Dragon’s henchmen are waiting right on the other side?” Theo whispered more urgently.

“HELLO? MR. DRAGON’S HENCHMEN? ARE YOU WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE READY TO AMBUSH US?” Dennis yelled at the hatch. His voice bounced off the ceiling and reverberated up and down the hallway for a few meters before disappearing.

“Dennis! Are you crazy? What did you do that for?” Theo hissed as she dragged him down from the ladder and cupped her hand over his mouth.

Dennis removed Theo’s hand from her mouth and said, “Well, Charlie and I had a conversation earlier while we were trying to look for you where we deduced that henchmen employed by evil villains are generally not very intelligent. So I was hoping that they’d fall for me asking them whether they’re behind there waiting to ambush us and tell us themselves.”

Theo slapped her forehead in exasperation and incredulity. “Words cannot express my feelings towards you two right now.” She said. 

We were silent for a few moments. All around us there was silence save the perpetual humming of machinery.

“So, judging from the silence, I see two clear possibilities,” Dennis broke the silence, “either there are no henchmen on the other side of the hatch, or there are henchmen on the other side of the hatch but didn’t fall for my trick, which would make them exceptionally intelligent henchmen, don’t you think, Charlie?”

“In any James Bond movie the henchmen would surely have fallen for that trick.” I concurred.

“Indeed, my bet is on the first possibility.” Dennis concluded.

“Really, guys?” Theo raised her eyebrows.

“I don’t see why not,” I said, “but just on the safe side, why don’t you try again? If there are indeed henchmen on the other side of the hatch, and they didn’t fall for your trick on the first try, maybe they will fall for it this time out of frustration that we’re taking too long to walk into their trap.”

Before Theo could clasp her hand over Dennis’ mouth again, he yelled at the top of his lungs, “HELLO? MR. DRAGON’S HENCHMEN? ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS HATCH WITH THE INTENT TO AMBUSH US?”

I laid my hand on Theo’s before she could stop Dennis from yelling further, “Trust me, I think this time it’s going to work.” Theo looked at me with a mixture of puzzlement, disbelief and awe, a look I’m beginning to realize that I get a lot from her.

Dennis continued, “I’M SPEAKING HONESTLY HERE FOR MYSELF AND MY FRIENDS WITH ME, WE’VE HAD ENOUGH SURPRISES IN THE PAST SEVERAL DAYS AND WE’D REALLY APPRECIATE IT, IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS HATCH WITH THE INTENT TO AMBUSH US, THAT YOU DECLARE YOUR PRESENCE SO WE DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN WE GO THROUGH AND BUMP INTO YOU GOOD FOLKS.”

Just like last time, Dennis’ voice traveled a short distance up and down the corridor and disappeared.

“Wait a minute,” Theo grabbed both our arms, “why is there no echo?”

“What echo?” Dennis asked, puzzled.

“This corridor is extremely long, we should hear a very sustained echo whenever we make any noise,” Theo said. She stamped her foot. A low rumbling crept along the metal floor of the corridor and disappeared abruptly after a few seconds.

“You’re right,” I said, “The sound is being suppressed.”

“That’s it!” Theo exclaimed, “This must be some sort of stealth technology at work, just like the one on Laura’s hovercraft.”

“You mean on the flyasaurus?” Dennis added.

“That’s why everything’s been so silent around us. Someone must have activated stealth mode on the interior of the submarine.” Theo continued.

“Stealth mode.” Dennis and I echoed at Theo’s brilliant realization.

We pressed close together, listening to the silence.

“Well, now’s a good time as ever, let’s go through.” Dennis swiftly mounted the ladder, twisted the circular latch, and pushed upwards before anyone can object.

White light spilled onto us. I squinted. Dennis climbed up first, helped Theo through, and then me. There were no henchmen waiting to ambush us after all, we had entered through the floor of another deserted corridor, this one bathed in bright light. It looked like the interior of the Starship Enterprise, white and porcelain. 

On the side of the corridor right in front of us was a pressurized door with a porthole fixed at eye-level. Creeping up to the glass, we peeked through, Theo on the left, Dennis in the middle and me on the right.

Theo’s jaw dropped wide open. Dennis looked like he was seeing the most beautiful thing he had ever encountered in his life. We gazed through the porthole at the sight on the other side of the glass. Laura, Wolfgang, Heathcliff, Laura’s henchmen, some of Mr. Dragon’s Henchmen, even Mr. Virus (covered from head to toe in what seems to be a buttery, creamy substance), they were all there. It was total chaos, kitchen utensils, pots and pans, chef’s hats, food and people were flying everywhere.

With delight, I exclaimed, “It’s a food fight!”

C.N. - chapter 81

I was surprised, but overjoyed, to be reunited with Theo. I mean, what were the chances that we ran in different directions on this monstrous submarine and still ended up in the same location? Either we were the luckiest people in the world or Mr. Dragon's submarine is so elaborately designed to always allow you to find the person you're looking for. If it was the second option, it would be fantastic because then Theo's grandfather should happen upon us any moment!
It turned out that the hatch leading to the main deck opened into yet another dim, deserted hallway. Dennis had been holding a pee for quite a while, so he went searching for the bathroom. As soon as his tiptoeing footsteps became swallowed up in the darkness, I heard the sniffling.
Then I heard a voice from behind one of the pressure-locked doors not far from where I stood.
'Theo? I that you?' I leaned against the door and whispered.
'Charlie?' That's definitely Theo's voice, 'Yeah, it's me.'
'We found each other!' I whispered excitedly.
There was a pause and some more sniffling. 'Looks like you found me.'
'I heard a sniffling. Are you having an allergic reaction?' I whispered intently, 'If you are, let's get you somewhere that's better ventilated.'
Another pause, followed by a muted chuckle, 'No...it's not that.'
'That's a relief.' I whispered.
There was some shuffling, and more quiet.
'You know, Theo,' I whispered, 'finding you just now made me think, and I've realized something. This may be the greatest lucky streak of my life, these past few days has been.'
'Hmm?' Theo sounded slightly incredulous, 'Why would you call this lucky?'
'From what I see, everything has worked out to our advantage so far. When Wolfgang kidnapped you so he could marry you, Heathcliff and I arrived just in time to crash your wedding-'
'Hey! That was not going to turn into a wedding, and it never would have either, regardless of whether you two showed up or not, so don't twist the facts!'
'Okay, got it,' I nodded, 'So it was lucky because Heathcliff and I came just in time to cause a major distraction so you could get away.'
There was silence. I think Theo was thinking, so I continued.
'And then, Mr. Dragon came along and interrupted Wolfgang's original plot, so you didn't have to marry him anyways.'
'For the last time I was NEVER going to marry him! Don't make me repeat it again!'
'Right, I'm sorry,' I continued, 'And when we all got caught by Mr. Dragon, he invited us over to his place for a sleepover! I don't think that's something terrorists normally do, so it's another addition to the streak. And then, at Mr. Dragon's place, you found Laura's diary, which caused an emotional confrontation between father and son, buying you just enough time for your backup to surround Mr. Dragon's place. And also, even though Wolfgang got shot, we got medical attention to him almost right away.' I was running out of fingers to count all the lucky things that happened, and still had a long way to go, 'When we got to your house, we found the secret passageway that revealed Mr. Dragon's location, and also where your grandfather was. We also flushed out Mr. Dragon's informant, who was your brother, unfortunately, but who's to say our luck won't continue and he'll rehabilitate? We then met Laura and her awesome ninja henchmen. Then Mr. Kent revealed himself to be another one of Mr. Dragon's informants! Now I'm sure there are no more informants in your family, because I can't possibly image an informant being any more sophisticated than Mr. Kent. And we got picked up by Mr. Dragon's submarine, just in time so we didn't freeze to death in the ocean. And we successfully treated your hypothermia. And we escaped from the brig on this sub. And it turned out your grandfather is on here with us all along and sabotaged the ship just in time so we could all get away from Mr. Dragon's henchmen. And now,' I paused to take a breath, 'Mr. Dragon's henchmen still haven't located any of us! Isn't that just miraculous? Things are working out in our favor the whole way through. It's always Mr. Dragon who got unlucky, all his plans were interrupted. We didn't even put that much effort into making plans, and we were rewarded instead. If anything, I have a feeling our luck will just continue.'
Theo paused for quite a while before she spoke, 'That's...an interesting way to see things, but don't you realize? I've had absolutely no control over anything that's happened to us over these last few days, I try but I just feel completely powerless! How am I supposed to know things will work out when these are things I have absolutely no control over!'
'But we can't control what happens to us,' I pointed out, 'only God can.'
Another long silence.
'I didn't know you're religious.' Theo said.
'I've been going to Sunday school since I was 3,' I said, 'they taught me some very good things, like how God takes care of me, and makes sure nothing ultimately bad ever happens to me, and how even if something bad happens, it will eventually work out in my favor, because God is always helping me out, even when I don't see it.'
'I don't know if I believe that.' Theo said.
'I do. It's just that we've been on a lucky streak for so long. There has to be a reason why we always have the upper-hand. Looks to me like God's cheering us on.'
I sat in the silence thinking about something to say next. I think Theo did the same.
'By the way, thank you.' I said.
'For what?' Theo asked.
'For being a strong, independent young woman.' I explained, 'My mum always said: Charles, if you meet a strong independent young woman, you gotta congratulate her, because it's people like that who are going to take charge of the world and make it better, without the influence of some man. Because men have been running this world for a long time and they're doing a mighty atrocious job of it. It's up to the strong, independent young women like you to change the world, and you can totally do it, because you believe in yourself. Also, my mum said it, so I lend you my full support, even though you might not need it, since I'm a boy.'
'What makes you think I'm a strong, independent young woman?'
'It's obvious, because you don't want to get married, that's the first sign of a strong, independent young woman in the making.'
I heard tiptoeing footsteps. A moment later, Dennis appeared from the darkness.
'You were gone a long time.' I whispered to him.
'It was a number 2.' Dennis shuddered, 'I think it was the bad turnips I ate yesterday. Why are you crouched beside that door?'
'It's incredible. I found Theo!'

C.N. - chapter 79

When the lights went out, the henchmen on one side of us had rushed right past Dennis and I and collided with the henchmen blocking the other side of the walkway. The walkway was jammed with Mr. Dragon'd henchmen who were groping for Theo, Wolfgang and Heathcliff, who all seemed to have escaped. Dennis and I found ourselves standing just slightly removed from the jam-packed portion of the walkway. How we managed to end up there even though we didn't move an inch since being stopped by the henchmen, I think owed to the henchmen's poor spatial coordination.
Taking advantage of this, Dennis and I inched away in the opposite direction from the mass of henchmen all tangled together in the walkway. As we got further away, and our pitch black surroundings got surprisingly quiet save the churning of machinery, we began a whisper-discussion on the nature of the common henchmen that serve villains. Progress was exceedingly slow, because of the total darkness. Dennis and I resorted to holding each other's hand while tracing our other hands along the wall of the walkway, which had narrowed in this unknown part of the submarine, as we groped forward.
'You noticed,' whispered Dennis, 'back there at the ambush, how those henchmen forgot where we were the moment the lights got turned off? That oddly resembled what often happens in action movies, don't you think?'
'You're absolutely right,' I whispered back, 'do you think the behavior of henchmen in action movies is based on the actual behavior of henchmen in real life situations?'
'From what I've seen so far, the evidence does corroborate that theory.'
'Why do you think henchmen are generally so incompetent at their tasks, especially pertaining to the handling of hostages?' I asked.
'I suppose it's a matter of economy. You see, because villains are always trying to evade justice, and justice does whatever it can with all the intelligence at its disposal to attempt to apprehend the villains, I come to the assumption that villains have quite the limited selection of henchmen to choose from. The henchmen can't be exceedingly intelligent, because then they'll come to their senses and turn the villain over to justice. A henchman of average intellect might not betray the villain, but he will attempt to exploit the villain's weakness, say, by demanding unreasonable sums of payment. So, that leaves the least intelligent members of the henchmen profession to serve the villains, and you can't expect such unintelligent henchmen to be much good at anything.'
'No wonder the villain's plans are always foiled. Even the exceptionally intelligent villains only have the least intelligent henchmen at their disposal to do their bidding.'
'It's true, villains always lose because, well, in the end they have their own wits and that alone, while justice usually has an unlimited reserve of wits and intelligence. It's a fight of one against many.' Dennis sighed, 'That almost makes me feel sorry for villains.'
At that moment the emergency lights came on and the walkway was illuminated in deep crimson.
'Ah, we can see now,' Dennis exclaimed, 'sort of.'
The emergency lights were dim and spaced wide apart. Long stretches of the walkway were still in the dark and stretched on in both directions.'
'How big is this submarine? I feel like we've been walking for hours.' Dennis said, befuddled. I too was stupefied. The largest submarine ever built did not exceed a length of 200 meters. I felt the walkway had extended for half a kilometer already.
'It must be a typhoon-class submarine.' I speculated.
'More like hurricane-class.'
'Most submarines have two corridors running throughout the length of the ship, and three levels. I'd say we're on the bottom level, but I can't say where.'
'What's on the bottom level?'
'There's the engine, the fuel cells, it's where the torpedoes are stored, and a lot of piping.'
'I haven't seen any stairs to take us to the upper levels, have you?'
'I haven't.' I shrugged and looked around, hoping to find some indication of where we were. Behind us, the walkway curved away to the left, as did the walkway ahead of us. The curve was in fact quite obvious. Suddenly, I noticed that walkway floor has a slight incline in the direction we were facing. Wait a minute...
'We're in a spiral.' I whispered.
'What?'
'We've been going up the submarine all along! You see, this walkway is like a spiral staircase, look at how it always curves to the left, and there's even a gradual incline. If we follow this path we'll end up at the top level.'
'Why you're absolutely right! Quick, we have to hurry before these emergency lights shut off too!'
We began to run.
'Say Dennis,' I said, 'Where are we going anyway?'
'We...' he trailed off and we stopped running. We looked at each other.
'Good question.' Dennis said, and stroked his chin. 'We can try to find my sister, but she ran in the opposite direction. We can also try to find the control room, that should be at the top level, right?'
'Right, the top level is the officer's deck.'
'How come we haven't encountered any henchmen, do you wonder?'
'I guess like you said, the henchmen are dim-witted and naturally they never are where they should be.'
'Makes me feel sorry for the villain, almost.' Dennis said, and looked about, 'Oh look! That hatch in the ceiling, it has the letters M.D. on it, do you suppose we've happened upon the submarine's doctor's chamber?'
'I think the letters stand for Main Deck actually, that's the top level.'
We looked at each other and smiled, 'We found the main deck!'

C.N. - chapter 77

Heathcliff scratched his head. Wolfgang had his arms crossed. Dennis stroked his chin. I looked down the walkway ahead of us, which was dim and silent. I spoke up first, to answer Theo's question.

'If we're on a plane, at an airport or in a high-rise building, then we could sneak around the place, eavesdrop on the bad guys, learn about their evil plan and then find a way to sabotage it, just like what John McClane did in the Die Hard movies, but I've never seen a movie where the good guy is trapped on a submarine and manages to sabotage the bad guys' plans, there's very limited room on a submarine for that kind of action, so I'm not sure whether copying the things John did in Die Hard will work in our situation.'

'Hey, wasn't there a sabotage subplot in The Hunt For Red October?' Dennis pointed out, 'The bad guy managed to avoid detection until the very end and nearly succeeded in killing Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin. And all that took place on a submarine.'

'That's true, but it was a minor subplot in the movie, it doesn't show how the bad guy actually did his stuff without being found out, and also, I think the bad guy was a member of the sub crew, so he had it easy.' I replied.

'And why exactly are you guys comparing our situation to movies?' Theo crossed her arms and asked.

'Otherwise we won't know what to do in situations like these, I mean, how many people in their lifetime will have the opportunity to be trapped with the majority of their family on a terrorist mastermind's submarine which is heading to said mastermind's lair in an undisclosed location, while the terrorist mastermind attempts to sort out his marital problems with his estranged wife on the same submarine?' Dennis said. 

'Hey! You don't know anything about my family, stop making light of the matter!' Wolfgang snapped.

'Sorry, but it's true,' Dennis shrugged, 'we don't know what to do.'

'Yeah, there aren't any movies out there that parallel our situation, I've gone through all the movies I ever watched in my life.' I said. We all sighed dejectedly.

'Do you have any bright ideas?' Wolfgang looked to Theo.

'You boys are hopeless. This is what I think we should do: first we find out where we are on this thing, then we find the control room, where hopefully I'll be able to figure out how to make the sub surface, I still know a thing or two about them, we send out a distress signal, alert Laura's backup to our location, and hope this all happens before Dragon realizes we've escaped.'

'What about the guards?' Dennis said.

'With a bit of help, I think I can take care of the guards.' Theo said confidently, 'I'm prepared to do what it takes.'

'Yes! We shall fight our way through this, like gallant knights on horseback!' Heathcliff declared.

'That's not quite-' Theo began.

'That's a great analogy,' Dennis cuts in, 'Say Theo, I never knew you know a thing or two about submarines. When did you learn such things?'

'If you had spent more time with grandfather, you'd have learned a few things too.' Theo replied, her brow raised.

'I did learn a few things from him, I learned to appreciate great cinema.' Dennis said.

'Are we going to get going with our plan any time soon?' Wolfgang asked, annoyed.

'Onward, knights!' Heathcliff declared, and ran full speed into the dimness ahead of us. Moments later, we heard several sharp metallic crashes.

'I'm okay!' Heathcliff's voice echoed back towards us.

We moved forward in single-file, Theo at the front, me at the back, in the near-darkness. Except for the persistent drumming of the engines, we heard surprisingly little. It was very slow going, since we were trying to make as little noise as we could. This really was a huge submarine, so far we've come across at least three passageways that branched off to either side. We kept to this one, because it seemed to travel the length of the submarine, hopefully. If I remembered correctly from the German submarine classic Das Boot, the control room should be in the middle of any submarine, along with all the other important rooms.
'Charlie,' Wolfgang in front of me said, 'I still can't figure out how the plot of Kingdom of Heaven relates to me, even though you gave me a pretty good summary. Were you suggesting I am like the character portrayed by Orlando Bloom?'
'Exactly,' I replied, 'in Kingdom of Heaven, Orlando's dad Liam Neeson finally visits him after so many years away in the Crusades he probably never even knew the old man in the first place. It's perfectly understandable that Orlando wouldn't accept his dad at first, but soon he realizes his dad came back for him to lead him to a great destiny, and that's exactly what happened. It's like you and your mum. You might not trust her at first, but I'm sure she came back to lead you to a great destiny too.'
'That's...' Wolfgang began.
'Wait,'  I whispered, 'The engines have stopped.'
'What?' Wolfgang asked.
'I don't hear the humming anymore, the engines must have stopped.'
'Are we at the Dragon's lair already?' Heathcliff remarked.
'Close enough.' A voice replied.
'Who said that?' Theo said, alert.
'This is your captain speaking. I must say, I really enjoyed that discussion about cinema, and you're correct Charlie, a submarine really isn't a place for good guys to go sneaking around listening to the villains' evil plans.' I now recognized that the voice belonged to Mr. Dragon. His voice was all around us, I couldn't tell where it came from. Wow, his submarine must have a really state-of-the-art intercom system.
All of a sudden, the lights came on. The path ahead of us and behind us were blocked by men in standard grey submarine uniforms, and they were pointing what appeared to be pistols right at us.
'You shouldn't fire a gun in a submarine, what if it punctures the hull or something important?' I said.
'You're a bright lad, Charlie, yes, those are not real firearms, they're wired stun guns. It's still extremely painful to be struck with one, but they're no threat to any part of my boat whatsoever.' Mr. Dragon's omnipresent voice explained.
'Good thinking,' I remarked.
'Precisely, I suppose you also want to know how I knew you got out of your cells?'
'How did you know?' Dennis asked.
'Did you really think I left only one underpaid guard to keep watch on all you hostages?'
'Cameras.' Wolfgang whispered.
'Yes my dear son, I saw everything.'
Heathcliff was furious, 'How dare you, voyeuristic dog, admit to having watched my darling Theo in...erm...a state of undress!'
'No, no, I did not see a thing during all that, I promise.' There was a chuckle, 'As you see, my men are all prepared to escort you hostages back to your cells, unless you prefer to resist and be struck by 1000-volt stun guns.'
The men closed in on us.
'Not so fast Clark, I think you've forgotten one thing.' Another voice appeared on the intercom.
'Who said that?' Mr. Dragon's voice and Theo's voice exclaimed in unison. The men in the passageway stopped in their advance.
'Clark, you better come see who is in your control room. Meanwhile, I don't suppose you'll mind me turning off the lights for a moment, do you?' The second voice replied.

'Grandfather,' Dennis' voice called out, with a hint of recognition, 'is that you-'
Then all the lights went off.

C.N. - chapter 75

I sometimes wonder whether Mr. Dragon truly cared about the well-being of his house, er, submarine guests. Or perhaps he just had too much on his hands to take care of everyone. Either way, once Mr. Dragon escorted Laura, the henchmen out of our cell block (with Kyle dragged behind them) the guard locked the door, Wolfgang, Heathcliff, Dennis and I were locked in one cell, Theo was locked the the adjacent cell, separated from us when she was exhibiting clear signs of hypothermia. I even touched her hand to make sure, it was cold like meat freshly taken out of the freezer. We had to act fast.
Then she fainted.
Wolfgang, Heathcliff and Dennis screamed, 'Theo!' It was in perfect unison.
I shook the bars, 'Hello! Henchmen outside, someone in here has hypothermia, we need medical attention!'
The guard outside didn't hear us.
Heathcliff began running around our cell in circles, shouting, 'AHHH! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO!'
Wolfgang and Dennis reached through the bars and grabbed hold of Theo. They leaned her against the bars and started shaking her. I think they were trying to wake her up.
'Ah ha! I know what to do!' And with this light-bulb moment, Heathcliff produced a liquor flask from his pocket. He covered the length of the cell in three strides, pushed Dennis, Wolfgang and me aside, and declared, 'Move aside, I shall save her with this!'
'With a flask?' Dennis said.
'Of course not, I'm talking about the drink in the flask.'
'And what drink is that?' Wolfgang asked.
'Brandy, 55 percent.'
'That might work,' Wolfgang stood up, 'okay, give it here, I have to make her drink it.'
'No! I'm giving it to her!'
'Hold on a second, Heathcliff,' Dennis looked at him quizzically, 'Why do you have brandy on you? Don't you get drunk easily?'
'Er, it boosts my spirits of chivalry in times that calls for it.'
'Wait, wait, that's no good!' I cut in, 'Making her drink brandy is only making it worse.'
'How do you know?' asked Dennis.
'Well, one time my dad took me ice fishing with a couple of his buddies, now this was at a lake near my house-'
'This isn't going to be a long story is it?' Dennis interrupted, he was still trying to wake Theo up. 'We're really pressed for time!'
I did some addition in my head, '3 more sentences. Okay, where was I? Right. We were at the lake and one of my dad's buddies fell through the ice. When we got him out he was stiff as a hog in the freezer, so we fed him three flasks of hard liquor because we though that would get his blood flowing. He died before the ambulance could come. So you see, alcohol doesn't treat hypothermia.'
'That's more than 3 sentences.' Dennis said.
Wolfgang flung his arms into the air, in exasperation. 'Who cares! Theo's dying, what do you say we do?'
I thought for a bit. 'This other time, my dad took me ice fishing with a couple of his buddies, now this happened at the same lake after the first time, and one of my dad's other buddies fell into the ice again.'
Wolfgang's expression was incredulous.
I did some quick mental math, '4 more sentences to the story,' I said, and continued telling the story, 'When we got him out he had hypothermia, just like last time, so my dad and his buddies took off all his clothes, dried him up and lay on top of him. They sent me to fetch the ambulance. That's how you treat hypothermia, which my dad found out about on the Internet. Now this buddy of his made it to the hospital and survived.'
'Absolutely not!' Dennis interjected, 'You're not taking Theo's clothes off!'
'It's a matter of life and death,' I said, 'We have to do something.'
'But how are we supposed to treat her at all when she's on the other side of those bars?' Wolfgang pointed out.
'AHHH! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO!' Heathcliff resumed running around our cell in circles.
'Hey! What's all that ruckus in there!' The door to the cell blocks opened and the guard poked his head in, 'I don't get paid enough to listen to you hostages raising hell, be quiet in there!'
'Theo has hypothermia, can you put us in her cell so we can treat her?' I asked.
The guard came in. 'Hell, I don't get paid enough for this nonsense. Just leave her, why do you care what happens to her?'
If the bars didn't exist, Dennis would have torn the guard to pieces. His arms shot through the space between the bars, grabbing at the guard, who took a few steps back. 'You monster! That's my sister you're taking about! She's dying, unlock my cell this instant, you cruel, ignorant bastard!'
'Huh, I can't deal with this. I need a drink.' The guard muttered.
'Wait,' Heathcliff shouted, 'Take this!' He raised the liquor flask.
'What's that?'
'Brandy, 50 percent.'
The guard looked pleased, 'Alright, give it to me.'
'If you unlock the cells, I'll give you the brandy.'
'How do I know you won't bust out of here when I turn that key?'
Heathcliff drew himself up to his full height and declared, 'Because I honor the gentleman code of chivalry.'
'I don't know what the hell that means but fine. Don't give me any funny business now. I just want that drink.'
The guard unlocked both our cell and Theo's cell. Heathcliff gave over his flask of brandy, and the guard left happily, locking the cell block door on his way out.
We rushed into Theo's cell and got on our knees around Theo, who was fully unconscious now. Dennis, Wolfgang and Heathcliff looked at each other and then at me, and said together, 'You're not taking her clothes off.'
Dennis added, 'I won't stand for any of you seeing her in the nude.'
That's when I remembered Departures. It was a charming little movie about a funeral custom in Japan that involved taking the deceased person's clothes off to clean the body. All of it was done while the dead person was covered under a blanket and involved a certain set of techniques. I told them about this really in 3 quick sentences and said we could take Theo's clothes off that way without having to see her in the nude.
'I won't stand for you touching her like that even if you don't see anything.' Dennis said.
'We have no time for this! Just do it!'
'How good are you at following instructions?' I asked Dennis.
'What kind of a question is that at a time like this?'
'I'll tell you what to do and you can take off her clothes under the blanket.' I replied.
There was a pause while they thought about this. 'Okay, let's do it.' Dennis said. He draped the blanket over Theo and I got about recalling how it was done in the movie.
'Ok, first you turn her onto her side, facing away from you...' I explained.
I must say that by the end of it I felt Dennis was very good at following instructions. His face was as red as a ripe tomato when he finished undressing Theo, who was still completely wrapped by the blanket. Her damp clothes lay in a pile beside Dennis.
'Now what do we do?'
'We lie on top of her to warm her body back up.' I replied, 'Just like what my dad and his buddies did to their friend who fell through the ice.'
There was silence.
'I am so sorry about this, Theo.' Dennis, Wolfgang and Heathcliff sighed in unison. And we got about doing what I suggested. Heathcliff and Wolfgang sandwiched her on either side, Dennis covered her upper body and midsection. I was busy transferring heat through the blanket and into her legs, which were warming gradually.
It worked. I think part of why it did was because all four of us were red hot embarrassed. Where else could the heat have come from?
Dennis, Heathcliff and Wolfgang lay absolutely still until Theo regained consciousness. The first intelligible thing she said was, 'Who is kissing my neck?' (I think all three of them were.)

Phew, that was some cliffhanger Kiki left me in. It took me 'til the new year to figure out how to resolve it. Hope you all enjoyed this belated next chapter. Happy first day of 2014 everyone!

C.N. - chapter 73

The submarine rose out of the water. Its gray steel hood raised our inflatable raft right out of the ocean from below. A few meters away, Theo and Kyle, who was conscious now because he was squirming like a fish-out-of-water in his bounds, were sprawed too on the hood of the submarine.
This was a huge submarine we were on.
Normally a person can plunge into the Pacific Ocean for only a few minutes without freezing solid. When the person exits the water, the sooner they change out of their wet gear the less likely they will catch hypothermia. Theo and Kyle should get on some dry clothes as soon as possible, so I stood up to go over to them with an emergency blanket I found tucked under where I was sitting in the raft.
'Sit down boy, leave them there.' Mr. Kent ordered.
'If they don't dry themselves up they'll catch hypothermia, I know this because one winter I went ice fishing with my dad and a few of his buddies on the lake near where I live...' I didn't finish because Mr. Kent fired a shot into the air. And everyone including me ducked down.
'Shut up, you'll do as I say without questions, now sit down.'
A radio signal cracked to life. There was confusion for a moment, and then Mr. Kent took out a walkie-talkie out of his suit pocket.
'Did you just kill one of the hostages?' The voice in the walkie-talkie said. I recognized Mr. Dragon's voice because the volume in the speaker was surprisingly loud and high-definition.
'Uh no Dragon, that was a warning shot.'
'What have I told you about wasting your warning shots, you haven't got an extra magazine clip on you, am I correct?'
Mr. Kent patted himself down and replied, 'Uh no, I don't.'
'And there are more hostages with you than there are bullets in your gun to threaten all of them with, therefore if they had know earlier about your lack of sufficient ammunition, they could have overpowered you completely, couldn't they? As a matter of fact they can do so right now.'
Mr. Kent was speechless; he sputtered some things trying to come up with a reply, but failed.
'Damn,' Terry said, 'Knowing that we totally could have overpowered the old fart back in the flyasaurus, couldn't we, Terry?'
'Absolutely, Terry.' The other Terry nodded, 'And what more, we can do that right now, who's up to take a bullet or few for the team and maybe get killed? Anyone?'
'I am rather sorry to inform you, it is now too late for that.' Mr. Dragon's voice said. A hatch on the hood opened and two men dressed in military attires emerged first from the submarine, carrying automatic weapons, followed by Mr. Dragon himself, followed by two more men dressed and armed in the same way. The men trained their weapons at us. Mr. Dragon spoke as he approached our raft.
'I admire your dilligence in listening in on the coversation I was having with Virus here, I assume he had forgotten to put speaker volume on low, am I correct to say so, Virus?'
Virus! Mr. Kent's real name is Virus?
Mr. Kent, or Mr. Virus, I don't know which name to call him by, sputtered some more unintelligible things. I was under the impression that Mr. Dragon was ridiculing Mr. Kent/Mr. Virus quite harshly and enjoying doing it.  
Two more people exited the hatch, a man and a woman in orderly uniforms, and they approached Kyle and Theo with blankets.
Mr. Dragon turned to Laura and flashed a wan smile, 'Long time no see, Laura.'
Laura returned a smile which I couldn't decide whether it meant love or hate. 'Same to you, Clark, so we meet again.'
'I'm sorry I couldn't afford a better condition for this reunion, I hope you still understand me after all these years.'
'Don't worry yourself, I remember you like it all took place yesterday, you old scoundrel, at least you kept in shape.'
'So have you, my dear.' Mr. Dragon gave a gentlemanly bow. 'I'm still the same man when you left me, my dear.'
'Oh save your flourish, Clark, you can't fool me again with that old stuff.'
'Always for you, my dear Laura, always for you.' Mr. Dragon regarded Wolfgang next, 'Ah, my son! Our last separation was rather untimely, I did not even get to say goodbye.'
'Fuck you, dad.' Wolfgang spat. His stare seemed murderous, though the fire from his eyes had no visible effect on Mr. Dragon. Laura shushed him.
'Good! The boy still recognizes his own father. I had thought a bullet was too much for him to handle.' Mr. Dragon turned to me, surprisingly.
'Charlie, do you still have misgivings at me for having taken you hostage before our last parting?'
'I don't think I do, because I don't think you weren't really intending to shoot me in the head - maybe just knock me out, if the situation required it.'
'Well then I'm glad the trust between us is not broken.' Mr. Dragon shook my hand.
'What trust?' I heard Theo say and looked in her direction. She was wrapped in a blanket, staring murderously at Mr. Kent/Mr. Virus the same way Wolfgang was still staring at Mr. Dragon, 'Who exactly are you?' She said; the question was directed towards Mr. Kent/Mr. Virus.
Mr. Kent/Mr. Virus looked at her amusingly, 'I am Mr. Kent, as you know, or knew, more appropriately, and I am the Virus, tenth member of the United Terrorists. I have been planted in the North family since before you were born, Theo, I am a double agent - the grandmaster of double agents.'
'Now, now, Virus, I like like your introduction, but there's just a tiny detail I wish to correct,' Mr. Dragon said, putting a hand on Mr. Kent/Mr. Virus' shoulder, 'You're the eleventh, not the tenth, member of the U.T., Alligator is the tenth, and by the way, he's the T-Rex now.'
'That is incorrect, Dragon, I am the tenth member, Alligator-I mean, T-Rex, he's the eleventh.'
'That's not how I remembered it.'
'Well it's how I remembered it Dragon, do you want to bring this up with the others, because I'm right when I say this, I'm the tenth member of the U.T.!' Mr. Kent/Mr. Virus said indignantly.
Mr. Dragon waived him off dismissively with a hand and said, 'Enough of this standing around. Alright hostages, I have business with almost all of you, so let's get down to it. Welcome aboard.'
Escorted by the guards and Mr. Dragon, we entered the submarine.

C.N. - chapter 71

I was just finished giving a detailed summary of the plot of Kingdom of Heaven, Director's Cut when the alarm in the flyasaurus blared from the cockpit. Everyone's attention turned to the control panel, which seemed to have malfunctioned, because most of the indicator lights were flashing on and off, some had already gone dim altogether.
Darn, I thought, I was just getting to the good part where I would explain how Kingdom of Heaven is very relatable to what Wolfgang went through in the past day. It looked like I had to put the explanation off until later.
'So what's up with auto-pilot, John?' Graham leaned over John's shoulders and asked. John was in the pilot chair, one hand pressing the panel's button instruments furiously, the other hand shaking the throttle like mad.
'Auto's dead,' John replied, 'And I can't get the ship back to manual piloting.'
'What do you mean auto-pilot's dead?' Graham shouted indignantly.
'The computer system manning auto-pilot, it got breached by a virus, and the virus is killing the system, that's what I mean!' John shouted even more indignantly.
'A virus? When the hell did the system get breached by a virus?'
'Just now!'
'What the fuck?'
'What the fuck indeed, this is a total clusterfuck!'
'Calm down there, you two,' Laura got over to John too. With three people crammed in the cockpit, I could no longer see the control panel. 'So what exactly is the virus doing?'
'It entered the ships's computer just now, corrupted the auto-pilot system, and made it impossible for us to switch back to manual controls.' John said.
'What about the firewall, the ship's computer came with a firewall, right?' Laura said.
'There is a firewall, but we haven't installed it.'
Laura's eyes narrowed, 'And why not?' She said.
'This machine is a test prototype, remember? It wasn't supposed to be ready until next year, until this recent turn of events forced us to take this out of the garage early. So yes, not all of the features on the blueprint are installed in the ship yet.'
'Yeah, even the coffee machine isn't installed.' Terry said. The other Terry nodded.
'See Michael, the bullet-proof glass thing wasn't my fault, this baby isn't supposed to fly until next year.' Eric said triumphantly.
'Aw will you drop it with the bullet-proof glass shenanigan?' Michael snapped.
'Just making my point, Michael.' Eric replied, smug in the face.
'Gentleman, I believe we have more pressing matters at hand,' Laura turned to the the rest of us and said, 'The ship can't fly for much longer, we'll have to make a forced landing.'
'Over water?' Heathcliff exclaimed, horrified.
'Yes, we're miles from mainland.'
'But-but I can't swim!' Heathcliff protested.
'I'll help you, it will be a pleasure to save Prince Charming from drowning.' Wolfgang said. I was happy that Wolfgang seemed to be back to his old self - the self I first encountered with Heathcliff in the warehouse.
'I don't need your help! I still haven't forgiven you for kidnapping my dear Theo, don't you forget it!' Heathcliff declared with indignation. Heathcliff was back to his old self too - the one I first encountered in the penthouse suite.
'Well Theo,' Terry said, with his eyes on Wolfgang and Heathcliff in their
heated argument, 'seeing these guys, I can't blame you for avoiding your suitors.'
'Totally.' The other Terry said.
'Hello? We're in a dire situation here!' John yelled from the cockpit, 'Is nobody except me scared shitless?'
'I am!' said Heathcliff, 'I don't know how to swim.'
'No, not because of that.' John said, 'I'm asking, is nobody except me scared shitless, because it seems I've been taken hostage, by Mr. Kent here.'
Sure enough, Mr. Kent was at the cockpit, with a gun pointed at the back of John's neck. Graham was no longer there, he had gone to the back to prepare the inflatable raft device on the flyasaurus.
'Exactly,' Mr. Kent said, in that cool-as-a-cucumber voice so reminiscent of Mr. Dragon's when he took me hostage at his compound, 'Now if you may all focus your attention on me, I have a few orders to give out.'

C.N. - chapter 69

It looked like Wolfgang wasn't going to give in, but neither was Theo.
Theo slapped Wolfgang on the cheek. The force of her palm jerked his entire face back towards her. Moments ago Wolfgang had turned his face away from Theo, and now they were facing each other again, Wolfgang's left cheek rosy from Theo's hand.
'Why did you slap me?!' Wolfgang said angrily.
'You deserved it.' Theo said harshly, grabbing Wolfgang by the collar, 'Are you so nearsighted you can't see beyond anything but what you think? You don't know what your mother went through to get you back, and now you push her away like what she did meant nothing?'
'And what do you know about her that I don't!' Wolfgang yelled back. His voice was hoarse. 'You've only know her for less than twenty-four hours, Theo! How can you say that to me when you, like me, KNOW NOTHING!'
Dennis, Heathcliff and I flinched in unison. The sound of Wolfgang's voice echoed throughout the flyasaurus; stealth mode was on, and by the looks of it everyone was listening.
'Are you saying this just to hurt your mother, or do you really believe what you say?' Theo said fiercely. Her grip on Wolfgang's collar tightened.
'I don't care I hurt her, and you don't know anything about Laura, why are you defending her? ANSWER ME!' Wolfgang shouted back.
Laura and Mr. Kent were about to say something together, but stopped. Theo had let go of Wolfgang.
Theo was suddenly dead calm. She spoke what she said next in a plain voice, and just then I realized that Theo was a very mature person, that was all there is to it. 'I might not know much more about Laura than you, but I know something about you I've picked up during the time you were, quote-unquote, holding me captive.'
'I was holding you captive.' Wolfgang said with indignation.
'You weren't, I know this because I knew you weren't going to hurt me when you, quote-unquote, kidnapped me-'
'I did kidnap you, and I had come up with the devious plot to take you all by myself.' Wolfgang cut in, with indignation and also a bit of his slyness which I hadn't heard since Mr. Dragon/Clark Gable shot him.
'Let me continue, Wolfgang,' Theo said, enveloping Wolfgang further into her coolness, 'In that warehouse where your ex-henchmen took me, when we had that chat where you asked me to marry you, which by the way I still regard as a preposterous proposal, I knew you had not intention of hurting me, or anyone for that matter.'
'It wasn't a proposal, you were going to marry me, whether you liked it or not.' Wolfgang said.
'Stop telling me what you were going to do and just listen, I knew you wouldn't hurt anyone because you were never like that. You weren't like that when we were children and you aren't like that now. That's not something you change out of.'
'What are you saying?' Said Wolfgang. The mark Theo left on Wolfgang's cheek was fading. It seemed Theo took care not to give him a that'll-leave-a-mark slap. (My sister educated me on the different slaps the hand can administer, she was a expert at slaps from her experience dealing with rural highschool boyfriends, who she thinks are all immature and needed some slapping around once in a while.)
'You took me hostage so you could propose to me. Yes, I was appalled above all else, but also a bit flattered.'
'Aww, I knew I should have done that! If only I knew that's what impresses you, Theo.' Heathcliff wailed.
'That's sweet of you, Heathcliff, but like I said many times before, I still intend to preserve my status of being single.' Theo turned to Heathcliff for a moment and said. She turned back to Wolfgang, 'Wolfgang, someone who doesn't care about hurting other people wouldn't quote-unquote kidnap me, propose to me while pretending to act ridiculously sly and calling it true love, and then take a bullet for me to prove it to me.'
'Aww, I knew I should have taken the bullet for you!' Heathcliff burried his face in his hands. Dennis put a hand on Heathcliff's shoulder to comfort him.
Theo continued, and everyone quieted down. 'When the Dragon fired his gun, the bullet was for me, you jumped in front of me and saved my life. You cared about me to the point you would get hurt if it meant I won't, and you say you don't care about hurting your own mother?'
Wolfgang didn't say anything. His eyes were wide with surprise and realization.
'You wouldn't hurt anyone, Wolfgang. You only responded to Laura the way you did because the Dragon forced you to be someone you clearly aren't.'
Wolfgang paused to let the words sink in, and then he burst into tears.
Laura went to Wolfgang and embraced him. Wolfgang leaned into her and embraced back.
'Aww.' John (who turned the flyasaurus on auto-pilot to watch Theo talk Wolfgang to himself), Michael, Eric, Graham, Terry and Terry, Dennis, me, and even Heathcliff enunciated in unison.
Laura looked up from her embrace and smiled at Theo. Theo smiled back.
Wolfgang sniffed, wiped his cheeks, and said, 'Well, this is embarrassing.'
'No, this is my son.' Laura replied. They saw eye-to-eye.
It was a touching moment, and it lasted for a long time. When Wolfgang finally loosened his grip on Laura (because the wound on his chest was throbbing again), he still looked slightly sullen, and just at that moment something came to me which I thought could cheer him up even more.
I asked Wolfgang, 'Say Wolfgang, have you ever seen Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven, Director's Cut?'
'You've seen it? Gosh, I was looking everywhere for a copy of the director's cut!' Dennis exclaimed. 'All the video stores near our place only stock the crappy theatrical version, director's cut, wow!'
'What about it?' Theo asked. Everyone looked very curious.
I took a mental note to let Dennis borrow my copy of Kingdom of Heaven, Director's Cut later. Right then, I had some explaining to do.