I sometimes wonder whether Mr. Dragon truly cared about the well-being of his house, er, submarine guests. Or perhaps he just had too much on his hands to take care of everyone. Either way, once Mr. Dragon escorted Laura, the henchmen out of our cell block (with Kyle dragged behind them) the guard locked the door, Wolfgang, Heathcliff, Dennis and I were locked in one cell, Theo was locked the the adjacent cell, separated from us when she was exhibiting clear signs of hypothermia. I even touched her hand to make sure, it was cold like meat freshly taken out of the freezer. We had to act fast.
Then she fainted.
Wolfgang, Heathcliff and Dennis screamed, 'Theo!' It was in perfect unison.
I shook the bars, 'Hello! Henchmen outside, someone in here has hypothermia, we need medical attention!'
The guard outside didn't hear us.
Heathcliff began running around our cell in circles, shouting, 'AHHH! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO!'
Wolfgang and Dennis reached through the bars and grabbed hold of Theo. They leaned her against the bars and started shaking her. I think they were trying to wake her up.
'Ah ha! I know what to do!' And with this light-bulb moment, Heathcliff produced a liquor flask from his pocket. He covered the length of the cell in three strides, pushed Dennis, Wolfgang and me aside, and declared, 'Move aside, I shall save her with this!'
'With a flask?' Dennis said.
'Of course not, I'm talking about the drink in the flask.'
'And what drink is that?' Wolfgang asked.
'Brandy, 55 percent.'
'That might work,' Wolfgang stood up, 'okay, give it here, I have to make her drink it.'
'No! I'm giving it to her!'
'Hold on a second, Heathcliff,' Dennis looked at him quizzically, 'Why do you have brandy on you? Don't you get drunk easily?'
'Er, it boosts my spirits of chivalry in times that calls for it.'
'Wait, wait, that's no good!' I cut in, 'Making her drink brandy is only making it worse.'
'How do you know?' asked Dennis.
'Well, one time my dad took me ice fishing with a couple of his buddies, now this was at a lake near my house-'
'This isn't going to be a long story is it?' Dennis interrupted, he was still trying to wake Theo up. 'We're really pressed for time!'
I did some addition in my head, '3 more sentences. Okay, where was I? Right. We were at the lake and one of my dad's buddies fell through the ice. When we got him out he was stiff as a hog in the freezer, so we fed him three flasks of hard liquor because we though that would get his blood flowing. He died before the ambulance could come. So you see, alcohol doesn't treat hypothermia.'
'That's more than 3 sentences.' Dennis said.
Wolfgang flung his arms into the air, in exasperation. 'Who cares! Theo's dying, what do you say we do?'
I thought for a bit. 'This other time, my dad took me ice fishing with a couple of his buddies, now this happened at the same lake after the first time, and one of my dad's other buddies fell into the ice again.'
Wolfgang's expression was incredulous.
I did some quick mental math, '4 more sentences to the story,' I said, and continued telling the story, 'When we got him out he had hypothermia, just like last time, so my dad and his buddies took off all his clothes, dried him up and lay on top of him. They sent me to fetch the ambulance. That's how you treat hypothermia, which my dad found out about on the Internet. Now this buddy of his made it to the hospital and survived.'
'Absolutely not!' Dennis interjected, 'You're not taking Theo's clothes off!'
'It's a matter of life and death,' I said, 'We have to do something.'
'But how are we supposed to treat her at all when she's on the other side of those bars?' Wolfgang pointed out.
'AHHH! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO!' Heathcliff resumed running around our cell in circles.
'Hey! What's all that ruckus in there!' The door to the cell blocks opened and the guard poked his head in, 'I don't get paid enough to listen to you hostages raising hell, be quiet in there!'
'Theo has hypothermia, can you put us in her cell so we can treat her?' I asked.
The guard came in. 'Hell, I don't get paid enough for this nonsense. Just leave her, why do you care what happens to her?'
If the bars didn't exist, Dennis would have torn the guard to pieces. His arms shot through the space between the bars, grabbing at the guard, who took a few steps back. 'You monster! That's my sister you're taking about! She's dying, unlock my cell this instant, you cruel, ignorant bastard!'
'Huh, I can't deal with this. I need a drink.' The guard muttered.
'Wait,' Heathcliff shouted, 'Take this!' He raised the liquor flask.
'What's that?'
'Brandy, 50 percent.'
The guard looked pleased, 'Alright, give it to me.'
'If you unlock the cells, I'll give you the brandy.'
'How do I know you won't bust out of here when I turn that key?'
Heathcliff drew himself up to his full height and declared, 'Because I honor the gentleman code of chivalry.'
'I don't know what the hell that means but fine. Don't give me any funny business now. I just want that drink.'
The guard unlocked both our cell and Theo's cell. Heathcliff gave over his flask of brandy, and the guard left happily, locking the cell block door on his way out.
We rushed into Theo's cell and got on our knees around Theo, who was fully unconscious now. Dennis, Wolfgang and Heathcliff looked at each other and then at me, and said together, 'You're not taking her clothes off.'
Dennis added, 'I won't stand for any of you seeing her in the nude.'
That's when I remembered Departures. It was a charming little movie about a funeral custom in Japan that involved taking the deceased person's clothes off to clean the body. All of it was done while the dead person was covered under a blanket and involved a certain set of techniques. I told them about this really in 3 quick sentences and said we could take Theo's clothes off that way without having to see her in the nude.
'I won't stand for you touching her like that even if you don't see anything.' Dennis said.
'We have no time for this! Just do it!'
'How good are you at following instructions?' I asked Dennis.
'What kind of a question is that at a time like this?'
'I'll tell you what to do and you can take off her clothes under the blanket.' I replied.
There was a pause while they thought about this. 'Okay, let's do it.' Dennis said. He draped the blanket over Theo and I got about recalling how it was done in the movie.
'Ok, first you turn her onto her side, facing away from you...' I explained.
I must say that by the end of it I felt Dennis was very good at following instructions. His face was as red as a ripe tomato when he finished undressing Theo, who was still completely wrapped by the blanket. Her damp clothes lay in a pile beside Dennis.
'Now what do we do?'
'We lie on top of her to warm her body back up.' I replied, 'Just like what my dad and his buddies did to their friend who fell through the ice.'
There was silence.
'I am so sorry about this, Theo.' Dennis, Wolfgang and Heathcliff sighed in unison. And we got about doing what I suggested. Heathcliff and Wolfgang sandwiched her on either side, Dennis covered her upper body and midsection. I was busy transferring heat through the blanket and into her legs, which were warming gradually.
It worked. I think part of why it did was because all four of us were red hot embarrassed. Where else could the heat have come from?
Dennis, Heathcliff and Wolfgang lay absolutely still until Theo regained consciousness. The first intelligible thing she said was, 'Who is kissing my neck?' (I think all three of them were.)
Phew, that was some cliffhanger Kiki left me in. It took me 'til the new year to figure out how to resolve it. Hope you all enjoyed this belated next chapter. Happy first day of 2014 everyone!
